I am Zeppo without the looks or voice. Groucho without the wisecracks. Square peg. Chocolate teapot. Outsider. Geek. Freak. We are society - surrender and be assimilated. A borg like assimilation would be good - at least afterwards I would fit. Would know my place. Enough.
Thursday, 30 September 1999
She shines in a world full of ugliness, she matters when everything is meaningless. A pearl of beauty in an ocean of pain. I wonder if any of Trent's songs are still genuine - he has loadsa money and is well respected in the music industry, loads of loyal fans. Can he still be as twisted as his music makes out? Probably, I am an example of this happening - I have a job I like (some of the time anyway), earn decent money, have the respect of other people (when it comes to technical matters) - and yet am I happy? Am I fuck.-
Wednesday, 29 September 1999
Staring at the sea, will she come, is there hope for me, after all is said and done. The new NIN album - he's still full of instantly meaningful lines. All the spoils of a wasted life - all of this for you. Broken, bruised, forgotten, sore.Too fucked up to care any more. The good points aren't as good as the good points of the downward spiral - but the low points aren't as low as the spiral either. No instant classics like closer or heresy unfortunately. I am a very sick puppy - why else would I like songs like closer and girlscout by jack off jill. Still no news about the new album. Major pisser - afaik they finished recording ages ago - I wonder in the record company has lost faith, or run out of money... Time for work.
I am such a sad fuck. Pouring my ever effort into an RPG like a spotty school kid. Reality is too hard to cope with, so I bury myself in a fantasy world. Cry me a river. Get a life? Tell me where from and I'll happily give it a try, as long as I don't have to try too hard - I am a lazy bastard after all. What matters to me? Drink. Computers. Films. Music. Comics. Got the Marx brothers movies that I ordered about two months ago yesterday - Yay! Almost watched them last night, but managed to stop myself. Still played EQ for an hour though - made level three in one hour of play time - almost one hour dead, but had to rest before the final Gnoll pup and made 1:01 in the end. Found a backpack and small box on mobs, saved me quite a bit of money. Always I hide. Behind the masks so long that even I don't know what is behind them anymore. If there is anything. Am I just a void hiding behind a china mask, one tap and I shatter wholey. What the fuck am I talking about? Running off at the mouth again. I am lost, and no-one can find me because no-one is looking. Like a brick at the bottom of a lake - there are plenty of them to find, but there are much more interesting things to see first.
Tuesday, 28 September 1999
I think I'm going to start over in EverQuest again - Barbarian warrior named Wolfbiter - based on the character from The Gilded Chain by Dave Duncan - I think the character was a rapier man - could limit weapon choices - either use a sheild or dual-weild a main-gauche. Dual weild is better - barbarians get to bash wlthout a sheild due to their size. Cool. Lots of people have commented on my being clean shaven - the two most common comments have been "It looks different", or "you look younger" - very non-commital statements - implies that the general concensus is that I made a mistake shaving the beard off. Fair enough. I am going to have to start this character off tonight, I don't have the will power to wait until tomorrow. I'll have to try not to be up too late - a target of level 3 is probably not too far out - probably won't be able to flesh the character out much - all points into dex and agi. I'll probably not bother with head armour, so I don't need to put up with the polar bear head. Another good reason not to use a sheild is the fact that there is a bug in the barbarian graphics file and sheilds don't show up. Game limitations are secondary though - mainly I just want to keep in character for the vision I have. I lose some pretty important skills by going for warrior, but if I team I should be pretty damn funky. No bind is a bitch, but life sucks, so who's counting? With dual weild, double attack, dodge, parry, riposte and critical hits I get to be a pretty mean damage machine. Soloing isn't really an option before too long - I'll need to group a lot. Have to overcome my anti-social tendencies. How likely is that?
So much for that plan. No copies at either EB on Oxford St. the tube is buggered now too. If it doesn't start moving soon I'm going to be late. An hour to get from Oxford Circus to Greenwich is pushing it. Ahh, motion. Emotion. Heh, there are people getting off at TCR - it would have been much quicker to walk. Stopped again. Read a pretty amusing article on the net about why geeks make good lovers the other day - some of it was so true to me that it was scary, the stuff about Trek was out though - I obviously don't qualify as a Net geek as to me Trek is just another show to me. Train has bqoken down, oh joy. Looks like I'm definately going to be late. Back to the geek thread... In some ways according to the article I must be some form of übergeek. Most computer geeks can open up in online chat much easier than RL - not I, e-mail and usenet are fine - chat is a definate no-no though. I wonder why I am like this, it is a pain in the arse. Sitting on the floor at Charing cross waiting for the Greenwich train to come up on the board. Ho-hum. I never start the conversation, someone else always does that part. My leg it going to sleep, I wish they would hurry up and announce the train so that I can sit in a real seat. On the train, about to leave. Do I actually come to any conclusions with these ramblings? Nothing I didn't know before. There is something about me that repels the thing I seek, I have known that for a long time - I just don't know what that thing is. I actually find myself wanting to be hurt by someone close to me sometimes - for that to happen someone would have to be close to me. Something I want but seem incapable of acheiving. Can emotional logic be formalised? Pairings of states - said(meant) - gives possibilities true(true), true(false), false(true) and false(false) - it's a case of knowing the hidden state when there are no clues. Why am I even bothering to write this - it has no basis in fact - I have never even been deep enough in a relationship to even say hello to the other person, or to even let the other person even know that I have seen that they exist. If I make eye contact I quickly look away and pretend it never happened - keep my eyes averted for a good five-ten minutes. Doing everything wrong, because that is what feels most right.
Good game last night. Got to level 4 in about 4 hours. Got a fairly good skill in tailoring and have about three quarters of a set of patchwork armour. Bit of a time clash with Andy again - I didn't realise what was happening as he wasn't on ICQ, so I didn't know he was around. I'm buying him a copy of the game on the way to work, and he can pay me back. I'll help him twink the new character with his old stuff. He'll certainly be the toughest level 1 around. We can sneak some money/stuff through BB to my character at the same time. I'll need to use my Enchanter's Invisibility spell to get Andy through and back.
Monday, 27 September 1999
Got the Everquest bug again. Brief respite only. Want to get level 8, but BB will be way packed at this time. I might get lucky. If not I'll try my luck in the Karanas - I managed to find and defeat a white spider yesterday, but cocked things up by trying to make a tunic with only one swatch of silk - I should have tried a one swatch item, such as gloves or sleeves. Come to think of it the spiders will probably be well hunted - plenty of people know how to make silk armour. Spiders are a bit tough for my level anyway - poison is a bitch - I need another couple of levels. Or a companion. Low level monk would be ideal. If I could find Matty online his tracking would come in very useful. I need another level and a bucket full of cash before I am worth any real good in a party. Level 8 spells are far too expensive. I think I left some stuff in a no rent container yesterday. Hope I didn't lose all of my sewing patterns. I think I had about 80 of them - that's about 5pp worth - that's a good couple of hours of play time to get back. Maybe I do need to hunt BB for a couple of hours after all. Should get me to level 8 no problems. Should have enough money to buy one spell when I level - what should I go for? I could go for charm, but my charisma is not high enough for it to stick for long - I think root is one of the options - could be handy, but I don't have any DD spells yet - I guess I should get Sanity Warp first. Being a magic user requires far too much thinking - maybe I shoula go back to the beginning and start a Monk - or a Barbarian Shaman - I was always quite fond of my Ogre Shaman - the tells for SoW will probably be annoying - but that's quite a way off yet. Talk about thinking ahead - lol. Very tempting. Should I do it now or wait for Andy to get a copy of EQ? I will start tonight. Decision made. Keelta (hope that name's not taken) can take up tailoring at level 1 and have full patchwork by level 4. Everfrost is a way cool place to start tailoring. I don't know of anywhere else that gives such an abundance of the right size pelts in the newbie zone. Nice amount of quests too - just need to whack a few gnolls and the people of Qeynos will love me. Unfortunately I get that dodgy polar bear skin hat. The right look for a barbarian shaman though, so it's not too bad. The leather kilt is definately questionable. The Jean-Paul Gaultier of the frozen north. Hope there aren't too many vengeful skeletons out tonight - they can be a right bitch. I should be able to make level 3 at least - hopefully level 4 - before the night is over. No meditate! Going back to natural mana regaining is going to be a nightmare. First level spells aren't too bad with the shaman - a dd, a heal, and a couple of decent buffs. I know the zone pretty well too (the canyons part, anyway - I've never really been high enough level to explore the tundra much). The train is back. Almost time to fight.
Don't get me wrong - I really appreciate the fact that they have toilets on trains - I just wish they cleaned them more regularly. Sitting here listening to the Wonder Stuff singles album with the smell of stale urine permeating the air. Face feels cold - the beard served utilitarian purposes as well as aesthetic ones. I want to be truly happy - just for a moment - to see what it's like. Headache doesn't help. Optimistic defeatist. Walking paradox.
Blood pressure up again - 164/96. I've got to go to the hospital for a blood test - see the nurse for an ECG, and the Doctor has referred me for a 24 hour blood pressure check. I am a sick puppy. In many ways. And the crowd roars "you fat bastard!". Cheery songs from the new Type O Negative album to keep me happy. Free coffee this morning - Yay! Track day on Friday has renewed my interest in buying a Caterham 7. It was definately the most fun car to drive. The Elise was quite nice, but was much heavier and had a very stiff throttle. It was just as difficult to get in and out of too. And more expensive and a longer waiting list. The Audi S4 was very nice to drive too. Looks like the train will be packed this morning. Bugger. At the wrong end of the train, but at least I have got a seat. My head is going to explode. Who wants to live forever - certainly not I. Shopping list - System Shock 2, Blue Velvet on DVD. I won't get Blue Velvet until I check the BBFC (Board of Butchers and Fanatical Censors) site - if there are any cuts then I will get the region 1 disc. There isn't likely to be a commentary - David Lynch doesn't like analysing his films - he prefers others to build their own opinion of them. Probably no other extras either - just a high quality copy of the movie. My VHS copy is Pan & Scan - it'll be good to have it in widescreen. I won't bother going into town if all I want is SS2 - I'll pick it up at London Bridge - or wait until Thursday. Is the illusion of normality a good or bad thing? The freak has to be let off the leash every now and then - otherwise it will burst out when you're not looking. I know that from past experience. Does the mask serve any purpose? Should I just be my miserable, self-depreciating self 24-7? Would it do any harm? Probably not - but I am too set in my ways - there is no way I will be letting the mask slip. Latex smile hides pain and anger inside. I wish that I was more superficial. That I could feel comfortable issuing shallow pleasantries with people. That I had an inflated sense of self-importance and could go up and talk to strangers and feel like I was granting them a favour by doing so. It would make me a total wanker, but I wouldn't be physically lonely, and would have no need for mental companionship. Lonliness doesn't matter if you are happy with your own company. I am not. If I am not, why would anyone else be?
Gravestone de-faced by idiots. Or Hindus. Mirror image of a Nazi swastika. Doctor again. Double espresso burns my throat on the way down. I'm sure there are better pleasure/pain partnerships, but this is the best I will experience. I wish this cold would hurry up and go. Throat still sore, head still aches. My life stretches out in front of me - an ocean of mediocrity with an occaisional island of pain. Rare enjoyment - such as the track day on friday - not so rare drunkeness, anaesthetic. Void. The mask slips while writing. Who is the real me. If the mask is worn for too long does it become reality. Where do I belong? Do I belong anywhere? It doesn't feel like it. Chris asked me whether this was real or not last week - the mask obviously works - he couldn't see through it at any rate. Nothing matters. I cannot change - the inertial force of apathy is far greater than any force of will that I can muster. This is the way I am until an external force changes me. This is the way I am.
Saturday, 25 September 1999
Wednesday, 22 September 1999
Sardines - oh what fun. Not only am I cramped from the side, but from the front too. Knee contact with some tall guy. Whirlpool inside again. Got another email from Becky today - a match.com hit that doesn't seem to scare easily. I haven't really ranted to her yet though - so that could still change... I'm going to Ascot with Dad + Maureen on Saturday - something different - throw some money away to the bookies. I am bored. My life holds nothing new. At work I am getting less time to do the interesting stuff and more stuff like budget projections. I seem to spend about half of my time reviewing CVs or interviewing - neither of which hold any interest at all for me. I would rather be doing some of the stuff that I am supposed to be doing and perhaps even completing a few projects. As if that would ever happen. Maybe i should apply for the senior SysAdmin position and we should start recruiting for a new Techical Manager. Headache coming on again - I'll giwe this a rest for a while now.
Tuesday, 21 September 1999
Grade A wanker. Something I'm good at - a pity it's a bad thing. You don't score well with girls for knowing a lot about Everquest. I wish it didn't all come down to scores - but that's the way I think. I am a mathematician at heart - everything is in the numbers. At least I understand numbers. I am good with them. Unlike emotions - which I don't understand and my only skill with them is reading them wrong. I really should give up on this thread - it is never going to lead anywhere - but one of my faults is never knowing when the horse is dead - keep on flogging it way beyond the point where it is doing any good. I hate it when people look at me. It makes me feel paranoid. I guess I should make an effort to look more normal - to blend in to the crowd - no-one would look twice at the ugly fat bastard in a crowd - but when you add my goatee and tuft you add instant amusement factor. Look at the weirdo with the comedy hair - is that his real gut - or does he have a large duvet strapped to his stomach? What else can I write? I suck. I have no useful skills. I have no good points. This is all old hat. Nothing new. Starting this site was original - I used up all my original in the first week - now I just re-hash old tripe. Witness my mediocrity and fear. There but for the grace of god goeth thou. Or some such bollocks. Maybe I was better off leaving the page un-updated. A blank page was probably more interesting than this. Positive. What is good about me? I am good with computers. I can read fast. I can apply logic. I am occaisionally amusing. All good things to have on a CV - but nothing to imply that I would be a good partner in a relationship. What is wrong with me? Why did I get short changed when emotional sensitivity was handed out? Why can I not see things other people take for granted? It's not a technical aptitude thing - there are plenty of people more technical than me that can handle a relationship as well. I am just sub-human.
Not had to do much so far today - but I feel like I've just run a marathon - maybe I'm not as recovered as I thought... The fault is still outstanding, so not only do I feel like shit,but I have also made no progress on anything today. What a great start to the week. At least I had time to pick up a pack of lemsips from Boots in London Bridge station.
I hate 3rd party fault liason. I am sitting on the floor of Telehouse waiting for a phone call, and have no idea when the call will arrive. At least I am not in the office risking infecting everyone with the cold I still have. Goddamn I'm bored. I have been playing about with various settings on various machines but I shouldn't be doing that really - in case it affects customers. Ooh - action - turn the loop off and wait for another call...
In ear headphones sound crap. I wish I hadn't slept on my headphones on Thursday. Broken. Everything I touch I break. Everything goes eventually - except the pain. The emptiness. The cancer within, relentlessly devouring everything within until I am nothing but a withered husk. Do you like the dark angel? Night like the wings of a million ravens blanketing the sky - the stars their murderous eyes. Home is where the heart is. Contra-flow on the M1 - bet that was fun this morning. Clouds frozen as I zip past. Blue sky peeks through. No hope. Is there any point to going on? How many moles does it take to cover my fat arse? Visions of a warehouse full of far eastern immigrants clipping moles with nail scissors to make my trousers. I think I'll make up a set of lyrics for the song "these are a few of my favourite things" - don't know if I could think of enough words to rhyme with things though... Would be amusing and scary at the same time...
New poll over on the poll page - kindof a variant of the do I scare you poll. There are a couple of answers that I know I will not get any sensible resposes to - a couple that I hope I don't get any responses to, and a couple that I hope I will get at least a couple of responses to. One of them is just there to make people laugh. I hate colds that have headaches as one of the symptoms. Just remembered a fragment of a dream last night - a bloodstained stanley knife pulled from someones underwear drawer - not mine - a pretty girl with straight dark hair. Trent expresses my sentiments exactly - I'm starting to scare myself - I just want somthing I can never have.
Sore throat, but no cough today. Should probably take another day off because I still feel like shit. I don't think I could take another day of lonely boredom though. I sit here missing something I have never had, something I can never have - partly because I want it too much - no-one likes the stink of desperation. That's not the only reason of course - the fact that I am insane, that I am fat, that I am apathetic, that I have no social skills and mostly just the fact that I am me. People like me only find love in films. In real life, by the time someone has broken through the frozen veneer and seen the person within, one of three things has happened - they have grown to fear me, they have grown to hate me or they are indifferent towards me.
Monday, 20 September 1999
I hate colds. It's been quite a while since I had one and this one has hit with a vengeance. It's mainly just the sore throat left, with a bit of a cough. Mercifully the headache has eased off. I am losing interest in this diary. It was very useful during the down patch I had a little while ago, but now I am not as down. Is that true - or am I just bottling it up again? I am certainly not as bad as I was a while back, but I am not exactly mr happy. I wonder if losing some weight will help with my love life. I doubt it. I am going to go for it anyway - for medical reasons. To get back to normal weight for my height I need to go down to twelve stone. I've not weighed that since school. I wonder whether the electric shock exerciser will work or if it is just a waste of money. I hope it does - otherwise I may have to start exercising outside - with all the taunts from young children that entails. I hate being alone. I wonder if anything real can ever live up to the rose-tinted fantasies I have. Does true love exist? Probably, but I am never going to know it. Maybe I should move into a job in the banking industry with a 50-100% salary increase and find a gold digger who will pretend to love me. Or if she can't stretch it that far she could just pretend to like me. That would be an improvement on now. I wish I was a more likeable person. I don't like being an arsehole, but it is the only way I know.
Sunday, 19 September 1999
Friday, 17 September 1999
Why do I bother? It's not as if one of these nights I will meet someone. Just spend time seeing people I know lip-locked, wishing it was me. Kissing someone would be embarassing - I don't have a clue what to do. I hope I will find out one day. Not likely though. I will die alone. Why does that scare me? I have never known any different. My deepest knowledge of matters romantic all has a Hollywood rose tint. Dizzy. Dumb. Something nearby is beeping - I don't know what. It sounds like the beep once message alert on my phone. It is probably Dan's phone, but l am sure I heard it alert with a different tone earlier. Why am I so shit? Apocalyptic predictions of the world ending in the year 2000 are reassuring - not long to go. It will all be over soon and I will no longer hurt. No longer care. Don't want to commit suicide, so I wish for the end of the world. Wishful thinking the Russell way. Nothing lasts forever. Usually used as a negative statement, but I find that I can draw hope from it. Want. "When you do find someone it will be forever". Tracy said that last night. I wish I could belleve that. She used the word when - not if. She obviously has more confidence in me than I do. I can't even keep penpals for more than about 3 emails. I wish people would tell me why they don't like me instead of walking away in silence.
Thursday, 16 September 1999
Ts - ts. Ahave yeld . Amm trn. bolox. Arse. Fixed. Not wanted. Never wanted. I am A cunt - I don't want fuck. Bollocks. i cunt.
On a stick. Wobbling in the middle of the carriage. I hate it when there are no seats. Thinking about doing a new website. I currently have a domain that is just redirecting to my existing site. Not sure exactly what to put on it, I've never been particularly good at doing content for sites. I just write random crap and catalogues of info that no-one is interesed in - not even me. A useless catalogue is probably how I will start - all the Vampire books, films, comics, games, merchandise, etc. that I have. Will take a while to just get that done - if I put scans up even longer. I wonder if I will ever get round to any content, or if I will get bored before I get around to it... Watched the first two episodes of the Manga "Vampire Princess Miyu" last night, as well as rewatching the first two episodes of Buffy and also watching Blade. A real Vamp night. The interviews on the new Buffy tapes were pretty disappointing - the interview with David Boreanaz on the second tape is almost the same as the one on the first tape, but with different clips in the background. There a couple of extra bits with Joss Whedon - but nowhere near enough :( I hope they do better with the boxed sets. A commentary track on the DVDs would be really cool (if they ever get around to releasing the series on DVD in region 2) not particularly likely though - it's a lot of hours of voice over... The BBC are doing it with Red Dwarf, so maybe I'll be lucky - the seasons of Red Dwarf are a lot shorter though :( I have been seriously bitten by the DVD bug - Dolby Digital surround just sounds so cool - it's only a week since I first heard pro logic from my setup at home and I've been converted away from it already. I wonder how long it will be until I start getting titles on DVD that I already have on VHS. Probably as soon as I see a David Lynch film on DVD. Blue Velvet in 5.1 surround - yum. Or Lost Highway. No coffee in Quick Snack - what the fuck is that all about? I have to go elsewhere for this morning's second dose of caffeinated goodness. It's a good job there are so many coffee shops at London Bridge - otherwise I wouldn't be arriving at work with a caffeine high - and that would be very not good. In fact it would suck. (note to self - I have been watching waay too much Buffy recently - it's starting to infect my speech patterns...)
Monday, 13 September 1999
138/90 - down from 170/108
My usual spot. I wonder if I will be able to get a DVD player on the way to work - not sure if I'll have enough time - I should have, it is a waste for me to have my amp with no Dolby Digital capable devices. There aren't many titles thay I want on DVD, but it's a waste to get those few on VHS when I know that I will be getting a DVD player at some point anyway - I might as well get one now... Enough with the justifications, I'm convinced already - now I just need to decide on a model. A copy of what home cinema to read on the train should fix that. BP check again. I have actually lost nearly a stone since last time without even trying - and the EMS device I ordered on the net hasn't even arrived yet. Maybe this won't be as hard as I thought. I'm going to update my match.com profile today "have you ever felt the urge to walk barefoot through a graveyard at 1am?"
Sunday, 12 September 1999
The train back from my sister's - the baby - Ryan - is doing fine. Have spent most of my spare time reading. Just finished mountain of black glass - awesome book, need a little time out before moving on to the other book I have with me. Another three hours to go - ooh - coffee trolley. Feeling pretty good - don't know why - I've scared off at least one more match.com hit this week. That's all. Not much considering how little I have written in the past few days, but I'm just not in the mood at the moment.
Saturday, 11 September 1999
Thursday, 9 September 1999
Impulsive habitually. By the time I get as far as "wouldn't it be bizarre if..." I am already committed. So here I am. A big bowl of curry and rice to eat while laying in a sleeping bag in the back garden. My new subwoofer is barking out through my bedroom window. Today is the first time.I have heard Head like a hole sound right outside of a club. Watching the stars come out. Wow.
Wednesday, 8 September 1999
Too tired to write much - stayed behind an *finally* started making some progress. Still not done though, so I'll have to continue at home - so much for holiday time :( Not much point to the holiday anyway - I didn't get around to phoning the tattoo parlour until this afternoon and found out that Nutz is booked solid tomorrow and Friday. Oh well - at least it means I'll be in when my speakers are delivered, means I won't have a fresh tattoo on my arm when I go in for another BP check on Monday... Typical of my bad planning...
Inner turmoil. Haven't been reading or writing this morning, just churning things about in my head. Butter of consciousness. If you know little enough about Unix to reboot a machine that you shouldn't be on anyway and not even realise then you deserve to have the palms of your hands scooped out with a sharpened spoon. Stupidity is no excuse for badgering a password out of someone and then using it to play about on someone else's machine. I don't want to write the email I will have to write later - I am too pissed off. Disappointed in a number of people. I am too trusting - letting people get close just makes it easier for them to stick the knife in and twist.
Tuesday, 7 September 1999
Hits on match.com again - I guess an enigmatic profile works better than one saying you're a self obsessed arse. Probably a little harsh, but that's how it sounded when I read it again... The full text is one of the entries from this diary from a few weeks back - near the nadir of personal blackness I had back then... A pretentious way of saying when I was being a self obsessed arse. The new profile just points to this site - I wonder if either of the responders actually dug deep enough into the history to see the old entries... The entries that scared off previous match.com responders... No matter. You get used to rejection after a while, you just sort of go numb and feel nothing. Unfortunately the numbness extends to other feeling too, leading to emptiness. I'll stop now before I spiral into full depression...
Hiatus. Intrusion. Dumb to give themselves away like that. Train nearly there. Done. Goodbye.
Monday, 6 September 1999
Another example of dumb - dangerous even - impulse... I was halfway through cooking a stir fry when I realised how incredibly stupid it was to be this close to hot oil while stark naked. Lucky I didn't burn myself. Not that it would matter.
Another boy. 8lb 8oz. Mum phoned me at about 10 to six, so he was probably born between five and half past. Mum will call later with more details - she's not allowed in to visit until seven - so the next hour will probably be spent on the phone, she'll be too fidgety to just sit and wait. I wish we had more minor hardware installs to do - I was finished a quarter to six, and I'll be home by seven - if I had stayed in the office I probably wouldn't have left until half seven - possibly not even until half nine - probably would have gone for a drink if that was the case. Finally finished the book today - interesting end, not sure it needed the bit about the no-ship leaving for another universe or the face dancer god figures. What shall I read next? Probably the new Otherland book. My boots are almost worn in now. My feet ache, but it's not too bad. Wearing low top shoes for the past year has got rid of the callouses on my ankles - it will take a while for them to reappear. I wonder if any of the parcels I am expecting arrived today? I hope I get back in time for the post office if any did. I think the major ones are open until half eight. That may just be me mixing up opening and closing times though... I am sure that I picked up a comics delivery from Southampton sorting office after dark once. That could have been in winter when it gets dark early though. I'm going to check my email - just because I can :-P Nothing since I left the office - not really surprising as it's under two hours since I left.
Couldn't sleep so got up early and cut my hair. As you do. Impulse told me to do it really short. Got to the station and found I had no change in my wallet - what's that all about? I always have too much change. Must be something to do with the parts of Friday that I don't remember. bored now.
Sunday, 5 September 1999
Not much diary this weekend - too much reading and everquesting. Cooking eggs now - not going to play EverQuest while doing that - last time I ruined the pan - boiling eggs for four hours tends to do that... I am so crap at the moment - haven't got dressed all weekend - I planned to do some stuff yesterday, but didn't even leave the house. One of the books I bought on Thursday was the wrong one - I don't know how, but I managed to pick up the wrong one from the shelf, walk around the shop with it in my hand for at least ten minutes and then didn't even notice at the checkout. It's an author I've heard good things about - so it's not a total disaster - but it reinforces my opinion that I am too dumb to be wandering the streets alone. That has to be one of the worst internal justifications for why I need someone to be with ever. Randomness is my trade. Chaos. How can I be so impulsive and so resistant to change at the same time? Impulsiveness could be a good thing - it could be exciting - but I leave the good part out and just do dumb stuff for no reason. I like being who I am, but I can't think of any reasons why - is it just my resistance to change saying "be who you are - you know where you stand - there is no risk - you are comfortable"? Longer entry than I was expecting to write - cool. I was ok, but now I feel empty. I think I will bury myself in a book again. I may even manage to finish it today. Help - I'm a prisoner in a boredom factory. Apathy's lament - you may think it's bad now, but just wait and see how bad it gets when you try and change things.
Saturday, 4 September 1999
Still pissed the next morning - how much did I have to drink last night? Can't remember much of how the evening ended. Just remember the early parts. A good night - maybe.
Friday, 3 September 1999
I want to fuck up everything you've ever loved.
Not quite right. I never am. I'll go in anyway - it only makes sense - I am at the station already. Missed the earlier train because I was daydreaming back at home. No northern line yet, AFAIK. Will go to Farringdon and sit there until the right train arrives. I could get on the central line and go halfway around town - I can't be bothered. I could walk to Blackfriars, but likewise. Drinkies tonight. I could use one.
Thursday, 2 September 1999
A walk to aid digestion. And to wear in my new boots. Ready for bed now - for sleep
Thank god for loos on public transport. If only they would keep the paper stocked. It's a good job I bought shoes earlier and they were packed with tissue paper. Another random thought: does the universe have a charge? If it started from nothing then I guess not, but what happens as a result of black hole radiation? If an electron-positron pair are created by a vacuum fluctuation and the positron is sucked into a black hole before they can annihilate what happens? I guess that as time slows down as you get closer to the singularity it would actually take an infinite amount of time to get there - this would mean that the charge would still be in the universe keeping things balanced...
Spree over - time to go home. What excellent timing - central rush hour. I suck. Need the loo again. Still not quite right. I think this is the first pair of DMs that I have owned from new. Moleskin jeans - very comfy. Shirts will show up all sorts of stains - didn't get black - I should have. Another book, not one of the ones I intended to buy. More videos - I can't resist special offers. No CDs, I must have a little will power after all.
I have been reading the same book for well over a month. Under normal circumstances I would finish in about three or four days. Normal circumstances? Is there such a state? Not that I can remember. It would be more correct to say that for a period of about a year running up until some point in early August I would have read that book in about three to four days. Correctness can be a pain in the arse. My back aches, I think I need to rotate the mattress on my bed.
Random thought: Is Britney Spears' name spelt that way because her parents were illiterate rednecks that couldn't spell Brittany? My head circumference is just over 24", which makes my hat size XXL on an online hat store. A big head and no self confidence - a living oxymoron. I wish the volume dial on these headphones wasn't so easy to knock. I may go on another book hunt today - according to amazon there are about 5 books in Kristine Kathryn Rusch's fey series - I have only ever seen the first two (which are very good) - I will see if I can find the others today. I could update my reading list page so that it includes the books I have in a pile waiting to be read. I'm not sure if they will outnumber the ones I have read and put up there already - it will certainly be fairly close. I really should start reading more. My cue to exit. A return to my Guinness stained copy of Chapter house Dune.
Rested - just under two hours, but it was undisturbed - I will sleep no more today. An omelette and then to the shops. I have an urge to buy a bowler hat, but I have had that urge for about 4 or 5 years - so I probably won't buy one - they are far too expensive anyway...
Drifting hither & thither. Sat on the ivory throne - finished but unmoving. I regain clarity and return to my room to notice the door is sticking - another distraction - the grease I bought for my skates fixes things. Deep relief gel - I hope it helps my still aching left leg - excellent stuff, but the smell of menthol is very strong - my eyes are almost watering from the fumes. Need sleep. Then food. Then shopping. More trousers - I have too many with holes in. More black shirts - so coffee stains don't show. A pair of shoes - if I can be bothered. Comics too - 16 this week, busier than average but not excessively so.
Laying in bed at home. The result of a bad KFC. Too tired to sleep - 3 hours sleep night before last - about 4-5 last night, broken up into chunks between drowsy dashes to the bathroom. Reading Kerouac - drugs, suicide, bop and Buddhism. Poetry unleashed by a master. Another reader comes out of the closet - "I'm part time, so you won't know me" - brings forth images of the full time staff with their heads in the clouds, too important to notice the part timers scurrying round our feet - is that how we are perceived? I hope not. Is that how I am perceived? Probably. Too aloof for my own good. Don't want to mix because the risk of pain is greater. Since when have I shied away from pain? Self castigation. My own worst enemy.
Wednesday, 1 September 1999
I should stay away from bookshops - I'm too much of an impulse buyer - two books I wanted - three that I picked up on impulse. One will probably join Finnegan's Wake, The Thousand and One Nights and Paradise Lost on the pile of books that I have always meant to read but not yet got round to - 120 days of Sodom by deSade. The others I will get round to when I start reading instead of writing again...
Made it through the day - but only just. I am glad I keep toothpaste & deodorant in the office - I stank when I arrived this morning. Home again, home again, jiggety jig. I ordered some stuff online today - I will have the rest of my surround speakers soon - 2 rears, a centre and a sub. 120W sub should make plenty of noise in my tiny room. Yum.
A new month. Has anything changed? The diary has lightened up, but circumstances have changed not at all. My mobile is now data enabled and I have used up three quarters of my call allowance in one day. I should probably uninstall ICQ to remove the temptation. Queued my frequently used contacts for authorisation at three fifteen this morning - Louise responded within about five seconds - does that girl ever go offline? I thought I was the only one crazy enough to be on at three am with a nine am start the next day. Obviously not. Scary. Beginning of a quarter - phone bill time. Will be a big one this quarter - damn you EverQuest for being so addictive. It must have been at least four before I got to sleep and here I am at seven thirty wide awake and updating my diary. How can I be up after three hours sleep? It's not natural. It's a good job I'm not doing interviews today - I look a bloody mess. I wonder when my billing date is for Orange now. I may leave for work soon - not having left by now doesn't feel right - I'm only in Blackheath though - it will only take about half an hour to walk it. It took more last night - but that was largely due to the fact that I am a fat bastard and took ages to get over the park gates. Nice and easy at the Blackheath end though...