First time in ages that I have felt confident to drink alone without fear of consequences. Just a calming influence. What is happening to me? A slight clove aftertaste. Time for the next film. Decided to take a break from typical horror and watch the divine "The Wicker Man". Yay. Wrong pagan festival - beltain not samhain - but I don't care - it seems right to me.
Sunday, 31 October 1999
Bored again. Seem to spend most of my life bored. Well - the bits that I remember anyway. Probably my fucked up selective memory again - I tend to censor the good parts because they don't mesh well with my self pity and make me feel like a moaning fuckwit (no-one likes being faced by the truth). I seem to be using the word fuckwit a lot recently. A good word, I like it. Listening to Inkubus Sukkubus again. Crazy... but nice. Yeah. Watched a very good manga series earlier today - Blue Sonnet. Very good story, but the Japanese need to include naked teenagers at every opportunity is a bit excessive. Whoops, showing non-blokish sentiments again. Can't have that, what would the neighbours say? Still wondering what films to watch tonight. Exorcist is a definite - not as annoying a flipper as I thought - the film is all on side 1, with extras on side 2. Must be a 4 layer disc. At the moment White Zombie and Witchfinder General are running ahead in the stakes. That would mean no vampire movies though, you can't have a Halloween film fest without vampires :( How about Dracula again - makes it into a bit of a Lugosi-a-thon - but Halloween without Bela is but a shadow of it's potential glory. Quick, call the men in white coats, he's getting poetic again. Time to stop the music, turn the lights off and start the movies...
Woo! Time for the spooky Halloween issue. Or not. It's a little too early in the morning to be spooky. Was just playing System Shock 2 - goddamn that is an atmospheric game - almost crapped myself when a big robot appeared out of nowhere and my pistol jammed after my first shot. Eek! Another night in alone. But I don't mind. I will watch some dodgy movies and play on the computer and listen to Darkwave music. Bought Hearbeat of the Earth by Inkubus Sukkubus yesterday - Celtic Folk Metal is how I would describe it. Very goth. I also bought the Exorcist on DVD - got it home only to find that it's a fucking flipper! Aaargh! Oh well, bored of this now - time to do something else...
Saturday, 30 October 1999
Feel silly making today's update. Will do it anyway. Have been making mountains out of molehills all morning. I have calmed, but am still not feeling entirely rational. Nothing in it. We danced a little. We talked a little. I helped her drench Gareth in beer. She implied that she's like to meet me again sometime as I left - probably just being friendly. Still alone, but have had my hope for improvement renewed. I had given up. I don't know what hurts more - the empty desolation of before or the hope for change. I am being fucking stupid believing a word of my beer soaked memories. I didn't feel drunk at the time, but I was. I must be reading more into it than there was, but I can't get the thought that maybe I'm not out of my head.
No luck trying to sleep. To most people last night would have meant nothing. It probably meant nothing to her. She has probably forgotten already. There was probably nothing to remember. Yet I sit here stewing over it.
I can't think straight. Nothing to do with the fact that I am recovering from copious alcohol, or the fact that I have only had 4 hours sleep. Mind spinning again. How could last night have happened? She doesn't even know anything about me - she must have liked me to look at. She must have been very very drunk. The beer fights that she was in were another good indicator of her insobriety. I know nothing about her either. Just her name and the fact that she is very attractive. I really need to sleep for a couple more hours but my mind is racing too much.
Did everything wrong. God I wish I'd thought to try and kiss her before leaving. She probably would have just pushed me away - but at least I would know. I was so confused by the fact that she seemed to like me that I didn't think. I really hope I meet her again and she feels the same way; or the way I think she felt anyway. The way I hope she felt. I can't believe that the most beautiful woman there seemed to like me. God - I hope it wasn't just me being pissed. Oh fuck. Oh shit. How am I supposed to sleep after being such a fuckwit? I can't believe that tonight actually happened.
I actually think she liked me. I liked her from the start but she seemed a bit taken aback when I called Dan a cunt. Later on she seemed interested in me. That doesn't happen. She must have been very pissed.
Friday, 29 October 1999
Oh God Fuck!
All Hallows Eve by Type O Negative on single track repeat. Song reminds me of a track from Xentrix's "For Whose Advantage?" album. Mainly the lyrics, the music is much slower. I haven't listened to that album for a long time - a pity it's a good one. I wonder if I will remember to dig it out when I get home...
No-one looking where they are going. I must be missing something fascinating about the floor.
Next morning and I'm still stewing. Remember a very short fragment of a dream last night. A tight embrace. The feeling of her breasts pressed up against my chest. I guess I don't always wake up in shock when that happens. If only there was some small chance it could happen while I am awake. More thoughts on why the film pissed me off. It wasn't just about geeks getting a shag - for some of them it was about falling in love too - and having the feeling reciprocated. In other times that would give me hope. With the way I am feeling at the moment it just pisses me off. Type O Negative on my headphones is cheering me up a bit. Everything dies.
Thursday, 28 October 1999
Too pissed off to sleep at the moment, so I'm going to write a nutshell review of American Pie. High school coming of age comedy. I usually like that sort of thing - but despite very funny dialogue I find myself depressed by the overall storyline. Moments like when he fucked the pie, the cum in the beer and the shitting scene were hilarious. Alyson Hannigan's transformation from geek into dominatrix satisfied fantasies I didn't even know I had. But overall it is summed up best by the sentiment: Only complete fuckwits who piss themselves in public make it through high school with their virginity intact. Wonder what that makes me - nearly 25 and never even kissed a girl. I feel shallow writing this. Meaningless sex isn't what I want (although I am a bloke - so obviously wouldn't turn it down if offered) I just want something to fill the emptiness within. Not something - someone
Wednesday, 27 October 1999
Turmoil. I am vortex. Chaotic flux. Strange attractor. Theory of repulsion. Like poles. 1/(r^2 ) - the closer you get the further away you want to be. Time for another coffee.
Mind going over a conversation that I don't particularly want to have because it shouldn't be needed. Just the sort of shit I don't like about my job. At least it's taken my focus away from my non-existent love life for a little while. The focus always returns though. God I fucking hate my life. Memory pokes out from a drunken haze - can't remember when it was or who said it - was talking to someone about my inability to initiate conversation with girls - was told "there's nothing easier". How I wish that was true. In my world there are a lot of things that are easier. Crawling naked over broken glass for example. I wonder if I've still got Troublegum in my CD case - suddenly reminded of a couple of lines from songs on that album. Bugger - not in there. Oh well. "with a face like this I won't break any hearts, and thinking like that I won't make any friends". That'll have to be enough for now. Time for some Mazza - Cake & Sodomy. I find myself longing for the time a couple of months ago where I actually felt content - was it real? Nothing was better in reality - all a matter of attitude. My attitude died years ago - the stench of decay is overpowering.
Feel so empty that it is hard to get to sleep at night. God I hate being alone.
Tuesday, 26 October 1999
I am so fucking paranoid. Walking back from the station for the last couple of hundred yards I was aware of a couple of girls behind me - mainly due to the clicking of their heels and the inane schoolgirl chatter. Just before I get to my house they start whistling - and my paranoia immediately tells me that that they are taking the piss out of me. It has happened before and I have been right - but that doesn't justify such a snap judgement. Second point before I go to bed is about the nature of my job. I am a Systems Administrator. That does not make me a god - but it does mean that I am expected to do the impossible. That is what the job is about - performing gigantic tasks and getting little to no recognition because if you do it right then no-one should notice. If you're in it for the respect of others then you are in the wrong job. The only satisfaction comes from doing the job right and knowing how much you have achieved. A second job related rant is about overtime. It is not there so that you can get extra money because you're a bit short - it's a company's way of recognising that the requirements of the job are not always convenient. "we need you to do something - sorry, we know it's put you out - have something to show we appreciate the effort". All seems like common sense to me - but then I'm fucked in the head, so what would I know. I'm also a manager and therefore I am evil by definition - one of the faceless "They".
Nothing new to say so I shall say nothing. These pages would be a pretty empty if I always felt like that.
Questions without answers. No point asking them here. Didn't log on at all last night. First time in a long time. I like women with glasses. I like women without glasses too - but there are certain styles of glasses that I find very attractive. Like the round rimmed ones that the woman a little way down the carriage is wearing. The dark hair and all black clothing helps too. Kings Cross. The pretty people get off - old people get on to take their place. The wings of eternity blot out the sun - reminding me that the pain will never end. Nothing changes - crushed beneath the wheel once more. Compression is easy - there is nothing inside anyway - a vacuum offers no resistance. Is there such a thing as fate? I hope so - if so then none of this is my fault. Blame it on the Universe - it's too busy to contradict you.
Bleak landscape. Looks how I feel. Autumn has lots of pretty colours - but they don't quite hide the rot.
Monday, 25 October 1999
Bizarre daydream fantasies on the way back from the train station. Get back home to find a beautiful woman waiting for me on my doorstep - shivering in the cold. We go inside and warm up by holding each other. She tells me that she has been dreaming about this for months - I let her know that I have too. We stay like that for an hour or so and then she goes home. I buy her an EverQuest account and she starts a dark elf necromancer character. I start a dark elf cleric to help her power level to 12 - when we get there my cleric decides the militant life is not for him and retires to the spires to live out the rest of his days worshipping Innoruuk in more passive ways. This enables me to return to Gurr. Even in daydreams I cannot imagine a relationship getting more serious than a hug. And an online gaming partnership. I am very very sad.
Still no words - to staunch the internal flow of nothing I write anything. It isn't working. I need something. I have nothing. I want everything. I want anything. This used to help me get my feelings out - to stop me bottling things up inside - but it isn't working now. I don't even know what it is I am bottling up - I just feel the turmoil within and don't know what to do. A wrongness pervades all. Nothing tangible. Just everything. I give up.
No words. Just pain. Almost tangible. I wish I had something to distract me. Still no words. I can't even write this down. I just have to ride it out and hope I don't end up too far from the path. I have no idea what I have just written.
Just starting to get stuck into things and kicking out time comes around. Bugger. Phrase has been buzzing around in my head for the last few hours. First popped up when I was thinking through a conversation that never happened - thinking of what I would say if it ever did. Can't remember most of it - just one line - I have never known of a single occasion in my entire life where a woman has found me attractive - physically or mentally. Can't get it out of my head. It is totally true. Someone out there for everyone. Except me. I guess I should be proud of my uniqueness. I wish I could just ignore it and get on with the rest of my imitation of life - but it doesn't happen. I dwell on it. Infinite recursion. One day I will collapse with a fatal stack exception. Or just go insane. Maybe it has happened already.
So much bottled up inside. I can feel the pressure building - but the words won't come so I can't let it out. Sitting here waiting for the train to pull out. NIN providing the noise. An argument going on elsewhere in the carriage - can't make out the words - but can feel the intent. Empty inside - what can I use to fill? Mind blank. Train moves off. Emotion in motion. I hate rhymes - yet I use them anyway. Difficult to hold my coffee and my Palm at the same time. What is the opposite of an activist? A passivist? Nothing means anything anymore. I physically can't believe in anything - especially myself. Paths to the perfect future thinning whenever I make a wrong choice. Many worlds theory implies there an almost infinite number of me out there in the multiverse that are happy. Doesn't help this particular me though.
I'm back to the stage where seeing beautiful people hurts. Especially seeing beautiful people held close by other beautiful people. Mid morning and there are still no seats - when will they sort the trains out. Never probably. Just build more roads - it's easier. Some smoother tracks would be nice too. Or computer controlled suspension - they can do it to give cars a smoother ride - why not trains? Need to change the CD - a bugger to do while standing and the train is shaking all over the place. Wedge my knee up against the back of a seat so that I get stability without losing a hand. Tricks of the trade. Am I still a journeyman commuter or have I progressed to master? Can't read a broadsheet newspaper on a crowded train, so I guess I don't qualify for master. Don't really want to read a newspaper on the train - I know the world is fucked - I don't need to be told - and I don't particularly want to know the details. I was going to say that I was quite happy in my secular little world, but happy wouldn't be the right word. Nor would content. Or satisfied. The only good thing about my life is that I feel safe. Not sure what scares me more - change or lack thereof. Necks crane for a look a the millennium wheel. Why? It's all a pile of shit. Time for another coffee. The only vice I want to pursue that I am able to pursue. Want to just lose myself in a book - but my mind won't let me. Whirlpool.
Sunday, 24 October 1999
Bored bored bored bored bored. Nothing holds my interest. I finished a book and can't be bothered to read the next one in the series. I played a bit of EverQuest, but I couldn't be bothered to continue. I am just about to run a bath, but can't be bothered to get up. There is a conversation I really want to start, but I can't seem to think of anything to say. Actually I can think of something to say - I just can't get myself to say it. I'm going to run that bath... I wish I had a shower. I hate waiting for the bath to run. I can never judge the temperature right either. Time to put some music on. Cradle of Filth's Cruelty and the Beast is sitting right in front of me, so I guess that's what I'll put in. Saves having to look through the rack and make a decision. I don't actually know if I like this album or not. I haven't listed to it for quite a while. The music is a bit formulaic and the vocals are terrible, but somehow I kinda like it. Weird. Calling. Must... Resist... Temptation. Feel like cutting myself. For no reason than to lick the wound. I am fucked in the head. Lost in music. Stumbling online conversation last night. Quite fun once it got going. I should put awkward silences down as one of my hobbies - I'm actually quite good at them. I knew there had to be something related to human interaction that I was good at. Lol. Bangs outside. I had forgotten how close it was to Guy Fawkes night. And Halloween. Beltane or Samhain? I can never remember... Maybe I should dig out some of my occult books for something to do - I can't be bothered though. I hate being so apathetic, but I can't be bothered to do anything about it. So I just sit here and seethe. I find it difficult to believe what a sad fuck I am sometimes. Laying on my bed earlier feeling lonely and hugging my pillow. It's a while since I've been that desperate for closeness. Inanimate objects don't help much though. Bath has finished running, but as usual I have completely misjudged the temperature, and I will have to let it cool down for at least an hour so that it doesn't take the skin off of my legs when I get in. I wonder what I would look like without skin. I wonder if my insides are as ugly as they seem. If everyone had no skin would I still be repulsive? Of course I would - it's got very little to do with what I look like on the outside, and everything to do with the aura of "Fuck Off" that hangs around me. I don't care, so don't come near. Scar tissue. Numb on the outside to dull the pain, but it dulls the other feelings more effectively. Catch 22. An urge to listen to Christendom by Paradise Lost. I love this song. Subwoofer adds atmosphere. Damn. Finished. ICQ popping up in front of the window. I think I'll give up on this entry for now. I think I'd run out of momentum anyway...
Naked. Shivering. Alone.
Saturday, 23 October 1999
Faces that I like to see swim before me - making me feel empty. They will never know.
Friday, 22 October 1999
Meanwhile - behind the facade of this innocent looking bookstore Obvious. Gandhi grazing like the sacred cow. Size thereof. Sacred. Pissed bloke. Yes mate. Herzelied. People fuck off and try elsewhere. I am fuk.
A ticket check. That's a novelty. Looking forward. Fear Uncertainty Doubt. Sweat. Leather, hazelnuts, gunpowder... sex. You're nothing but a dirty carbuncle - festering in the corner. Piss off little witches. Aeon Flux. A ripe harvest of quotes. Felt obliged to put that in in case someone recognises the lines and assumes that the original stuff here is quotes too - just from things they haven't seen/heard... Why do I care? If someone thinks I am an unoriginal cunt then I certainly can't argue - it would be a bit hypocritical seeing as I think that too... Manifest inferiority. A seat at last. Don't know why I acknowledged the source above - I have quoted without acknowledgement before. Unreliability is my lifeblood. Unpredictability sounds better - but is it accurate? Lack of consistency. Wherever there is a way to say something with a positive or negative twist I will always choose the negative. If opposites attract then I should be fighting off beautiful women with positive personalities. Oh wait - opposites attracting is a physics thing. It's governed by logic. No way in hell it's gonna be useful in the real world. I will let you down. Undependable. Do I not care because I have nothing to care about - or because I am incapable of caring?
Thursday, 21 October 1999
The city. Don't ya just love it?
Fuck that was an expensive impulse. Very nice coat though. But that's in my flawed opinion. I liked the beard, but the general opinion is that I look better without it. Either people are lying to save my feelings or I have no taste. I reckon the latter.
Broccoli. Fistfuck. Has anyone seen my watch? I sicken myself sometimes. Barely conscious. Automaton. Music pulses. Underground in the rush hour. The voices urge me to kill. I sometimes wish I heard voices, or had multiple personalities. It would be company. I would probably just mock myself for being such a cunt though. Beef. Velvet. Tacks. Cocoa. Bovril. Full circle. Urn. Ashes in my mouth. Scarf. Pin-stripe. Herring. Don't feed the fish. Let them starve. Then choke on their bones. I want a bigger coat. Something less shit. Time for some un-planned shopping. Top heavy fractions and long multiplication and integration by parts. Guesswork. Brownian thought. I wanna fuck everyone in the world.
Empty day. I am drained by the mediocrity. Time for some shopping. Eyes boggle. Cackle. Let me out. Meep-meep. Jungle lizard salad ball hoop death la mini-skirt schizophrenia furby ewok axe tree leaf druid monolith ibm elite. Mallet's mallet. Tennis. Pain. Where are the good memories? Go fuck yourself. Too tied up in myself. I am shit. Up against the wall for your final request. Coat. I hate trains. I don't hate trains. I change my mind. I have no mind. I have no soul. I have no worth. Flawed. Jagged tear. Scar. I would give nothing. My problem. I don't like change - my own fiercest opponent. Recursive nemesis. Biorhythms at nadir? I don't know - it's ages since I've charted them. It's all shit anyway. Wallowing in badger shit.
"Angels bleed from the dainty touch of my caress. Need to contaminate to alleviate the loneliness." Caffeine rush. All hail the king. Cup collection is growing. Must clean out my bag. It's taken me well over a month to change my bedding - took off the old sheet - but never seem to get around to putting a new one on. Housework bores me. I never see the point. What does it matter if things are untidy if you know where things are. I have never been big on aesthetics. Functionality is far more important. "God is dead and no-one cares. If there is a hell, I'll see you there."
Others rush past - shoulders hunched. I just stand here looking at the sky. Am I wrong?
Push the button. Free from distractions. Others look on. Are they laughing at me? Today is the start of my 4th year in the job. Every move in the past has promised something better. I don't think anything has ever delivered. The mocking has grown less - but I am a brooder, so I still remember. I cannot make eye contact for long. Am I afraid of what I may see, or what might be seen in me? Time to change the disc. Paranoia. Why is he looking at me? What did that comment really mean? Stop laughing at me goddammit! My apathy is too deep rooted. Squeeeek! Hog calling. Hey pig. Photogenic. Not me. I don't like the way I look when I smile - it never looks genuine to me. Like it's been painted on. Or like the deranged grin of a lunatic. Not surprising. Flex. Spout random crap - if I don't think I can forget the pain. Briefly. Sucked into the void within for a moment. Whirlpool. Must... Fight... The... Tide... Don't like the smell of it. Line up. Take your shot. Poke, taunt, mock - the amazing geek boy will take it all and bounce right back - only a little more dead inside. I have been dead inside for so long that decay has set in and I stink of putrescence. "I wanna fuck you like an animal. My whole existence is flawed. You get me closer to God." Suit spotting from the train window. So many suits. So few axe wielding psychopaths. Rain falls. But it cannot wash away my emptiness. I want to wake up in the morning and not think "what is the fucking point?" My site probably has more uses of the word "fuck" than any other at work - and yet it was the only one that the test content filtering box let through. Heh. Ftagn. Crowd navigation by Brownian motion. Double espresso - time for 3 coffees before I get to work. I do not want this.
Wednesday, 20 October 1999
I think I have passed beyond rant mode now. Introspection. As if I ever do anything else. At least I can amuse occasionally. Just wish it happened more often. I might not feel so useless then. Pointless. I did a 13 hour shift today, and at the end of it I have got to the stage I thought I was at yesterday evening. I have achieved something though. Things are better. I may have made someone else's life easier - even though mine is still shit. Believe that and it might not seem as bad. The task ahead still looms. I wish I had something. It's fucking hard being alone. I don't like it. But like has nothing to do with it - it's what I've got. Fucked up. I have nothing interesting to say - just the same old shit that I've regurgitated a million times. Scratched record. Waiting to be switched off. Or kicked. Carpet. Comfort in closeness. Seems a very sound proposition in theory - when do I get to try the practical? Fucked in the head. World torn apart. No problem - there's never been anything worthwhile in it anyway. Never. Beetle. Ham. Cheese. God I'm hungry. Or is it just loneliness? They both make my stomach churn. Whatever.
Is there any hope? I have had a couple of vague hints that maybe there is. Not from anyone in a position to be definitive - and I've never been any good with hints anyway. In a logic bound system I can diagnose from hints pretty well - but that doesn't extend to human beings. Single track repeat again. "I've been so alone for so long, forgot how much it hurts to wake up so alone" - Exactly how the dream made me feel yesterday. On waking I had a moment where I felt whole - a split second before it all came crashing down - and it pointed out how hollow I am on a day to day basis.
It doesn't matter. Bland existence. Nothing. Empty. At least with pain there is a feeling I can understand. Won't do it again though. The scars were never the point - only a symptom - but they will be with me forever. I am ugly enough already - no need to make it worse. Scratch. Sever. Maim. Rend. Tear. Bleed. Hate. Why did I have to be me? What did I do that was so bad that I deserve this?
Tuesday, 19 October 1999
Dark hair. Eyes deep enough to drown in. Why can it never be real?
Missing something I have never had. Waking up beside you by Stabbing Westward on endless repeat. The perfect song for how I feel at the moment. Perfect match - not perfect remedy. I miss, god I miss, waking up beside you. Never happened - and yet I miss it. Miss the warmth of a tight embrace. Only experience of which is hugging a pillow or blanket. Something that I will have to be content with tonight. Reading all the wrong signs. Dreaming the impossible dream. It hurts. But I endure. Sucker for punishment. There is an easier way, but I refuse it. I could close my eyes and it could all go away - but I don't want to end it before it has begun. Even though it will never begin. Why?
Pain. Other. Familiar. Different. Better - but I cannot say. Preference. Again. Always. Ever. Beginning. End. What changes?
The only opinion you are ever qualified to give is your own. Book sitting unnoticed in my bag. Good book. I am enjoying it, but at the moment I wouldn't be enjoying it - not doing it justice. I am too wrapped up in self pity. Self hate. A very serious topic came up earlier - I couldn't give a flying fuck. It's something I should be very concerned about - but I'm not. I am not. Never. Nothing. Floor.
I wanted oblivion tonight. In the end I only made it as far as melancholy. Further would have been much less very.
I don't want to think the way I do. I don't want to be such a cunt. I wish I knew different. I really do. But this is all I know. All I am fated to know. All I am worth. Nothing. Pain. Empty. Shit.
In a moment. Thrown back into depression. Is that why I achieved so much today? I have theorised before that my depression has a bearing on my technical abilities - is this proof? I have been content with my lot for weeks and that is why I have made absolutely no progress. Everything has changed. How could I have been content? I haven't felt any better - I have just ignored the void within. I have nothing. I have always had nothing. I will always have nothing. I want something. I believe that I can have something - but I don't know what. Suffer. What I am good at. What makes me me. Everyone has a talent. Everyone pays a price. My talent is computers. The price is loneliness. Where did I go wrong?
Got things done. Productive day. I don't give a fuck. Nothing matters. Nothing is real. I still hurt. I am still empty. I do not know what to do?
Last night I experienced a moment of perfect happiness only to find it was just an illusion. It hurts. It really hurts. If I hadn't woken up I probably wouldn't remember and all would be well. Or better than this anyway. Churn. How can a dream make me feel this empty? We didn't even really kiss - I woke up as soon as our lips met - and yet I have a memory of perfect contentment - the loss of that illusionary moment suddenly reminds me how empty my life really is. The stumbling to an accidental conclusion seemed so real. I have never experienced what I imagined last night - I could have blown things out of all proportion. I hope not. I hope I feel like that in reality one day. I hope, but I don't believe. I just regret the loss of that imagined perfect moment. And I have to try not to let it get to me too much. I have had a similar dream before. Woken shaking with the loss. Last time I don't remember hurting this much. Last time I left myself with permanent scars.
Dream last night has me feeling down - so what do I do? I listen to one of my most depressing CDs. Smart move.
Had an idea for a spoof site last week - provoked by postings requesting where to find naked pictures of Sarah Michelle Gellar on the uk.media.tv.buffy-v-slayer newsgroup. Finally got around to uploading it - check it out - Naked Buffy! When that one gets into the search engines my hits will soar...
It happened again. I am not sure of her feelings, she is not sure of mine - we stumble around the point, gradually drawing closer until we fall into an awkward embrace. Our lips meet. I awaken - heart racing - shocked from sleep by the impossibility of it. The moment gone - I try to achieve it once more by turning over and going back to sleep, but it doesn't come. I hate when things stop just when they are getting good.
Monday, 18 October 1999
Friday, 15 October 1999
Thursday, 14 October 1999
Shminky-plnky. Chris Hoddle. Boutros Boutros Ghali. No surrunder,no rhetoric. No boll0cks. No kewln3ss. Kewlness. Pinky. No retreat. Aoel.. Moooooooo. Inna bit. Gurr. Disappointed, already. Nothin. Blows goats. Dead goats. Only faction I know of. Cry like rain. West hampstead. Hear my calling... Black wind come carry me far away. Froak.!
arse. No. Ouiq. Lollod. Kl40xdd. In te hmape of nn79. Mfarf tuvy- tmbe.
Oeqaqhy. Yth.! B04k. Ks. Air. Only am rx'n
noi mmatnln. -bl4o\ sairin. B046404k5s. Fhk9ekfr\ ff99s. E338 thc. Eteoteshri.t fkiry . Yu@ ar a unn.4y0uriismishishimky.
Unlock. Unwind. Not. Contract. Constrict. Kilt. Seethe. Broil. Ready in minutes. Yum. Lather, rinse, repeat. Ditz.
Haven. Paradise I wish I could lose. Perfection would bore me - it's the flaws that give a diamond it's sparkle. Knees. Calling. Cackling. Death sucks. All in the details. Brick surround towers above. Sky not visible, but there none the less - watching. Eternal vigil. Cry like rain. No tears. Not for a long time. Would be a show of emotion beyond my numb bruised heart. Self afflicted. Self infected. Insects. I cannot stand this much longer. Vision. Fission. Dreams of fusion. Tower of bricks built without mortar. Crumbles from a breath. Black wind blows. The cows are laughing. The owls hide above unseen. Unheard. Unnatural. Not what they seem. Nothing ever is. Blue scarf. Silver ring. Grey-brown horizon. Don't you just love the city?
Wednesday, 13 October 1999
Burn, motherfucker, burn. Negative bleed. Feed the negativity - nurture it until it has a will of it's own. Discomfort caused by my proximity. I will never know close. Never feel closure. Always empty. How do I know emptiness when I have never known completion? For all I know they hurt lust as much as each other. I would bet one is a nicer pain than the other though. A better question is why do I wish for change but take no action to initiate it? Horse. Nasal intercourse. Macintosh. Carp. Bollocks. The lights shine on me but my darkness will take more than sodium emissions to dissipate. Online. Grass is greener or the devil you know. Which is you? Guesswork leads to answers - it's the world that's wrong - never me. No-one gets out of here alive. Abide ye and bear witness. Kladdath ymor jakalt. Guardrobe. Closer. Comb-over. The razor never shaves close enough. Puncture and drink deeply. Known. Dog house. A good place to be - someone cares. Walking on gravel in the dead of night. Cool moss grows on the grave. Stone comfort. Solo. The red light shines on. Forgotten. Never forgiven. Walls close in. Nothing to fear when there is nothing to lose. Known, believed, ignored. Home again, home again, jiggety jig. Jack once was hungry and butchered a pig. Dance like the dead. Flake. Shadowed men in a ring. The rhino at midnight. Violins and drums. I care not. Disregard the things you have and covet those you do not. My formula for life. I am fucked up.
New zone. Shafted. Fuck it all. Fuck this world. Fuck everything that you stand for. Fear the noise. It infects. Humanity is a virus. Plague. I. No. Not. Never. Ever. Infinity welcomes careful drivers. Get the fuck out. Repetition. Stale. Break the crust to find the void within. Illusion spoiled. Better off not knowing. Track. Drainage. Gravel. Suffocation. An oblivious eye watches over. Disinterested guardian angel - why try to help when the worst will happen anyway? Only make things worse. Introspection. Yellow. Puke. Nausea. I churn. Perpetual motion. Ineffectual emotion. Infectious lotion. Insects. Butterfly collection. Killing jar. Turtle. Gun. Fake. Serpent liberation front. Hot. Cold spell. Blessed be.
Existing. No more. Don't want pity. Don't expect understanding. Want something more. Don't know what. Even less knowledge of the how. Fuck it. Medding.
Buried. Not yet dead. On the outside. Candy coated rot. Frosted. Honeyed clusterfuck - just add milk. Faith. Or lack thereof. What am I for?
Train. Queue caused the missage of the 7:42 - 7:45 instead. Violator. Rose. Silence. Calm before the storm. Good book - finished. Remove 1 book from the queue and add 5 others. Book that I have been waiting 3 years for will be out soon. Pretty. Look but don't touch. Something I will never have. Escape. Re-capture. Replacement. Trying. Tireing. Underground. That's all there is. Ferry journey - up all night - years ago, but the music is the same. Sensory deprivation. Emotional depravity. I ache.
Tuesday, 12 October 1999
Monday, 11 October 1999
ECG normal, BP 148/80. Scorn. Dessication. My chest now has shaved patches, doesn't matter - no-one will see. I am crap. I am carp. Smoke me. Sausage onna stick - get 'em while they're hot - they're luvverly. Blue sky over a grey horizon. Bitter. Zoning.
What am I doing? Brain malfunction. I seem to be spending as much time as Gurr as I am as Russell - hence the screenshot instead of a photo this week. Hit level 10 last night. Nearly two full days of play time in one RL week. Thinking in spirals. Why must it always hurt. Time for my ECG now.
I managed to erase this page by mistake - I'll regenerate it from the original entries on my palmtop later...
Saturday, 9 October 1999
Thursday, 7 October 1999
Obsessive - as usual. I am just impulses and obsessions. Product of a
throw away society. Very few things I do can hold my attention indefinitely - I always get
distracted and move on to something else - or the apathy gets to me and I just give up.
Zero attention span. I tell a lie - there is one thing I never tire of - moaning. I can
moan about how shit I think my life is until the cows come home. Trains are shit. Life is
shit. I hate. Damn you all to Hades! Fuck it all. MoooOO! My cue to stop. Not finished yet
though. Not enough coffee yet this morning - one more should set me up for a while. Just
one more fix - I can stop at any time, I just don't feel like it. Addictions: caffiene -
alcohol - everquest - moaning - spending. A genetically conditioned addiction to
companionship - I have never really tasted it - yet I cannot think of anything else for
long before my attention springs back to it. I need to be more careful about charging my
discman batteries - it tends to skip when they are low. Phonebank is no longer a freephone
service - it's LoCall - which means it doesn't even get included in my free minutes by
Orange. Arse. They have an national rate number though - not as good as freephone - but
better than nowt. At least that one is included in my minutes. Tantrum. I am like a little
kid throwing a tantrum about a percieved unfairness. Newsflash. Life isn't fair - accept
it and move on.
Wednesday, 6 October 1999
Raised a laugh in the EQ newsgroup with this mornings entry - I don't get time to read many of the posts by other people. I have to work - it's a pity I can't just play EQ all day - some people make a good living by doing that - 1500+ dollars for about two weeks work for a L50 character. It's crazy what people will pay just to look cool - buying a maxed character means that you miss most of the enjoyment of the game - most zones pose no danger to a character that powerful. I have played the first few levels about seven or eight times now, and it's been a blast every time. Hopefully I should be well into fifth level by the time I log out tonight - a new spell level - my first DoT - a decent DD - my first de-buff. Kick ass. If I can break a lizardman camp I may even make 6th and some change. Loot from a LM camp would get me all the spells I need. Spiders first though - I will bash them all to get back at them for all the times I have died over the past couple of nights - then I will bash the lizzies because they are invading my homeland.
An idea for an EverQuest joke piece: I've soloed to 24th now and I'm only a couple of bubbles from 25th and still can't find a group. It was fine soloing up to 15th, but then you have to move out of the newbie zone - when you get into the real world you start to notice how nerfed this class really is - and the problems just grow. My tinkering skill is up to master now, but I haven't gained any useful skills, and I can't seem to find any guild trainers for this class. Most of the people I know have quit their character and started over, but I have put too much time into this to quit now. There seems to be some sort of bug with the interaction system too - every time I try to talk to someone not on my friends list I go linkdead. If only someone had let me known the benefits of the other classes when I first started out. I probably would have chosen this class anyway though - I wouldn't be able to keep up the role-play with anything else for long. The gods of RL really need to tune the Geek class so it's more use in a group - or at least make it easier to solo.
Tuesday, 5 October 1999
Quiet as the grave. I have only got as far as Blackfriars - I should be much further than this after 45 mins of travel. Tempted to get off and go for a KFC. Argument at the doors. I couldn't get out if I tried. You would think that rush hour travellers would understand that sometimes you have to let a crowded train go past. Yay! Seat! Bloke right next to me got out - maybe this won't be such a bad trip after all. Argument not as heated at this station - only one more and then fast to St Albans. Silence descends again as we pull away from the station. Giving another night of my life to EverQuest tonight - should be able to get to sixth level without too much hardship. I may even be able to break the spawn at a lizardman camp at fifth to fasttrack me to sixth - or even seventh - the xp probably isn't good enough to take me that far tonight though. I should be able to manage a scout only camp at four if the spawn is broken, but foragers and mystics would still be tough. Maybe if there's someone else low level on tonight we could team. I wonder if I could use the guards to break the spawn - if I got them to chase me to the guards I could probably break things up by a little bit. Worth a try at least... Even with this primarily rp character I am using power levelling techniques. Wouldn't work with a mystic as they would blind me - it would be difficult to run to the guards blind... I could possibly go kill kobolds for a while at 4th to toughen myself up. Should be able to get plenty of xp from spiders then too - there are plenty of them about - and no competition for kills. I can probably go all the way to fifth just on spiders... I'll try any all scout camps though, too good an opportunity to miss. If I could find flash of light I could blind a caster and then run to the guards while he runs away - this will kill the others from the camp with a bit of a gap before the caster dies. Sounds cool if it works.
Back to the Feerot forrest last night - there were only two other low levels in the zone - makes it easy to begin with, as I don't have to share the spawn - it'll be a bit tougher in a couple of levels though :( there should be plenty of people around my level in the swamp by the time I'm ready for Guk though. There was a group of high levels killing guards last night. It's a good job that I don't often run for the guards - mainly because there isn't much that spawns nearby. They should reduce the experience that guards give - it could be a real problem if I was in a zone like Innothule, where running to the guards with a horde of froglocks on your tail is a regular occurence at lower levels. Everquest rules my life at the moment. It's a lot easier than real life - I know the rules. I even talk to strangers sometimes. The quality of people will be higer among the Ogres and Trolls - quite bizarre really. The k3wlios choose dark elf if they pick an evil race. There seemed to be a few among the barbarian people - names like pottymouth, rhinolove and juggajimbeam spring to mind. I may be doing them wrong though - judging them on their choice of name - not everyone goes to a book on celtic mythology to get a name for a barbarian character. I have to admit that I quite liked the name pottymouth - brought a smile to my lips on several occaisions. She may even have been one of the few female characters that has a female on the other side of the screen too - most of the shemale characters are less subtle than that.
Monday, 4 October 1999
The following is an in character entry from my favorite Everquest character - Gurr the Ogre Shaman. Me iz gonna start again in Everquest. Me iz gonna be Gurr again - dere nothin quite like bashin da lizzies in da forest. Ogres iz lotsa fun, specially da shamans. Gurr iz a good shaman - he can make purty lights and everything. He is plenty tough too - it not be long until he is bashing froggies in Guk. Me not be able to team up with me friends ta begin with - but dere iz plenty of Ogres and Trolls to be friends with in da forest and da swamp. Me can go north to da little uns' lands when me iz bigger. Me gets da Bind spell when me is 14th season - den me can hunt anywhere. Me gets homesick though - so me not stay away for too long. Dey not very friendly in humie cities either. Dey not like us Ogres. Jus' coz we eat dem sometimes. Wot iz wrong with dat? We only eat dem becoz dey tastes so good - dey should take it as a kom... komplim... a good thing. Me likes high elf best - dey is really tender. Must be coz dey never do any work - dey just stand around saying how good dey iz. Dey sure talk purty, but dat not make dem very tuff. Dwarves iz tuff - but not when you soak dem in beer fer a bit. Me mum taught me dat recipe. Me likes to cook stuff, and to brew stuff. One day me want to be good enuff ta brew da Ogre Swill dat me daddy used ta drink before he went blind - we never did figure out why. Only use for a blind Ogre is da cookin pot - he sure tasted good. Me is a real life shaman now, me haz got me first spells and everthing. Me soon be bashing things very lots with me big stick. Dem humies think dey is smart - but dey can't bash as much as Gurr can.
Half a bowl in a new pipe - even that I can't manage. Probably because the bowl isn't broken in yet. Tobacco tastes scorched by the end of it. Shake it out and cover myself in ash. PDQ was out of order at Tower. Was funny watching them try to figure out how to use one of the manual card machines. Random CD purchases - one I wanted and two that I had heard the name of the band before and felt like hearing what they like. Looked at the DVD release of Blue Velvet. No extras and a stereo soundtrack. Doesn't bode well. It has a Dolby digital logo, but says pcm sound. I wonder which it is - it can't be both. I guess I need to wait for a review. In my own world. If it was a nicer place people might come and visit, but instead I have a world of shit. At least I can always take solace in coffee. Giving with no expectation of reward. Skippy. Skip skippety skip it.
Where to start? I like puppies. Nice and meaningless. ICQs that are oh so cute. Advice to hug someone at least once a day. Sure - right after I win the lottery. Cheered me up though. Don't know why. Incredibly bad teamwork yesterday. I should have stuck with my Ogre char. Has anyone seen my corpse? My god comes in a wrapper of Styrofoam. Mmmm... Coffee. Would you kill for coffee? What type of coffee? Non-sequitur. Swordfish. Don't warn the tadpoles. Whatsa matter for you? You crazy! Of course you realise this means war! Train. One quick derailment and this could all be over, knowing my luck I'd come back even lower on the ladder. Something in my eye. Trees. I like trees. I don't like the sun in my eyes though - that pretty much sucks. More coffee. I think I'll visit Tower this morning - it's quite a while since I've been there. Noodling around. Can't be bothered to do anything meaningful. Life sucks. Accept it and move on. People who say different are just lying to themselves and others. Hate. Fuck. Roar. Vision of the lion from the wizard of oz. Onion. Wish you had a heart tinman? Take mine - not in very good shape but should be ok as a fixer-upper. What the fuck am I talking about? I. Me. Nothing. Zero. Lack of beard reminds me of school - walking down the corridor to shouts of "Mango-head". Taunting others is easy. I taunt myself, which is just as easy, but less rewarding.
I wondered how long it would take someone. Some joker has voted that they lust for me on my most recent poll - rofl. I guess I was asking for it when I put the thing up there...