Sunday 25 July 1999

I Hate Myself

I have recently noticed that I am turning into exactly the sort of shallow person I have always hated. I find myself ready to agree to opinions which should be against my very nature, but it is easier to agree than argue - and what is worse is that I don't even notice I am doing it.

I stand wholeheartedly behind this paragraph, and am going to work on changing this in future.

My sexual frustration has become self-perpetuating - my brooding has turned into self-absorbtion and I am now exactly the sort of arsehole that no-one is ever going to be interested in being with.

I was forced to reconsider these words when within 24 hours of writing them I was told by someone that they would like to go out with me. Unfortunately there is a problem with the geography (we're not even on the same continent) so it isn't likely to actually happen at any time in the immediate future, but it was still a major wake-up call.

When I go out it is to drink myself into oblivion, not to have fun. I find myself getting drunk to numb the pain, and then rejecting those who try to help with scorn. I inflict injuries on myself, making me as ugly on the outside as I feel within.

This is a fair description of how I am acting at the moment - again I plan to work on changing this

I am a cunt. I now know, and have to decide whether to rebel or to embrace it.

For anyone who is interested - I have decided to rebel ;)