Skipping

Soundtrack is "Sleep no more" by Comsat Angels. Maybe if I forced myself to listen to cheerful chart music it would actually make me start feeling cheerful - I don't think I'll try as it is more likely to end with a violent act - if I were to kick my amplifier my widescreen TV will have to wait even longer (should have enough by next payday - unless I spend too much on crap - like I usually do)

Bored. I really hate trains. It is hot & humid again, I am sweating and have the beginnings of a headache. I'm only about half way to work - doesn't bode well...

The ESP feature of Sony Discman portable CD players is complete crap - I used to get far better uninterrupted playback on my Technics before the volume control broke - the Sony one has the benefit of an extra 2 years of R&D - well done Sony. It's only about 3 months old - I can't really justify getting a new one just because this one skips too much :(

Almost to London Bridge - enough time to get another coffee. Sorted.

Dark Thoughts

I wish I could find something light to think about but my thoughts are all tainted by darkness. Everywhere I look I see couples, sitting facing a happy couple on the train is one of the things I most dread. The unattainable right in front of my face. In the past I have been told that I just need to get laid - I don't think this is the answer though - I can live with virginity - all I want is someone that can be there to smile and hold me tight when I am down - someone that I can be there for to do the same. But how can I find someone - certainly not by thinking these black thoughts - which brings me full circle. I wish I could find something light to think about...

Late

No dream diary entry for today - I couldn't be bothered to get up when my alarm went off and had forgotten them by the time I got up - so much for keeping a notepad and dictaphone by my bed, even when it's that easy to record the dreams my apathy still wins through.  I've finally figured out what was wrong with the Poll code too - so Frontpage will no longer decide to center all of the text below the poll now...

Whoops - I've taken too long - gotta run to get to work on time...

Jalfriezi

Last update for today - I've set myself a time limit too - must be finished before Christian Woman by Type O Negative finishes (not that tight a limit).  Didn't manage to overcome the hunger - microwave chicken Jalfriezi beside me...

I need to do something about my life
Apathy the enemy
What is the point
Nothing has worked in the past

Now to type in the last entry...

Train Catharsis

Back on the trains - hope they are working tonight - Slipknot providing the soundtrack.   Wait & Bleed is an amazing track.

Another project that was hanging over my head is nearing completion - that's enough about work though...

Fuzzy feeling
Drink inside
With Clarity comes pain
Too Soon

Another hot night.  We really need some rain to clear the air.

Conformity flows
A warm breeze through the night
No comfort in the darkness
Accept it and smile
As good as it gets

Here I stand
Paragon of mediocrity
An empty heart
No comfort
From impossible dreams
No chance in sight
No hope held
Forget me
If you ever even noticed

I really like you
Your place or mine?
Confused he awakes

Rhomboid peg
In a rectangular world
Close to fitting
But the angles are wrong

Enough peotry for now... Full stop.

King's Cross - more people boarding.  It was hot before, now it is becoming unbearable.  Why do I do this?  I must be a sucker for punishment.  No wonder I am alone - deep down I probably enjoy it.  An ache permeates my soul - I long for understanding, but expect none.  I am slipping into poetry, even in prose.   Do I do this because I enjoy it - or because I have recieved positive feedback and want more attention?  I don't much care either way.

Hunger is growing inside.  I should resist the urge to snack but do not know if I have the will.  I will be home in about half an hour - maybe the pangs will have eased by then.

Why must I be destructive when I drink?  Recently it has been self focused (apart from one noticable exception).  The only way I can see to avoid this is to give up drinking.  This would remove the only contact I have with the world - and remove the moments of waking oblivion where I can actually enjoy life.

In my mind they mock
In reality they don't even notice
It's just my twisted desire
For the attention of others

What can fill my emptiness?

Bitter

In the spirit of randomness in which I created this page I picked an idea out of the air and added a poll.  Unfortunately there seems to be a size limit on the answers, so the last one won't display properly in the results :(

Other polls can be found here

How do you feel?

Which of the following do you agree with the most... That which does not kill us can only make us stronger - Frederick Neitsche That which does not kill us makes us stranger - Trevor Goodchild That which does not kill you will make you bitter and cynical - Too Much Coffee Man

Current Results

Weather

Damn this changeable weather. It was raining when I reached St. Pancras so I decided to walk to Charing Cross. The rain had stopped by the time I had reached Russell Sguare, and by the time I reached the British Museum the humidity was back and I was sweating like a pig. If I had taken the underground I would have been at London Bridge by then. Oh well, at least it gave me some exercise.