First time in ages that I have felt confident to drink alone without fear of consequences. Just a calming influence. What is happening to me? A slight clove aftertaste. Time for the next film. Decided to take a break from typical horror and watch the divine "The Wicker Man". Yay. Wrong pagan festival - beltain not samhain - but I don't care - it seems right to me.
Sunday, 31 October 1999
Ros blan ized.
meta-date: Sun Oct 31 18:12:00 1999
Bored again. Seem to spend most of my life bored. Well - the bits that I remember anyway. Probably my fucked up selective memory again - I tend to censor the good parts because they don't mesh well with my self pity and make me feel like a moaning fuckwit (no-one likes being faced by the truth). I seem to be using the word fuckwit a lot recently. A good word, I like it. Listening to Inkubus Sukkubus again. Crazy... but nice. Yeah. Watched a very good manga series earlier today - Blue Sonnet. Very good story, but the Japanese need to include naked teenagers at every opportunity is a bit excessive. Whoops, showing non-blokish sentiments again. Can't have that, what would the neighbours say? Still wondering what films to watch tonight. Exorcist is a definite - not as annoying a flipper as I thought - the film is all on side 1, with extras on side 2. Must be a 4 layer disc. At the moment White Zombie and Witchfinder General are running ahead in the stakes. That would mean no vampire movies though, you can't have a Halloween film fest without vampires :( How about Dracula again - makes it into a bit of a Lugosi-a-thon - but Halloween without Bela is but a shadow of it's potential glory. Quick, call the men in white coats, he's getting poetic again. Time to stop the music, turn the lights off and start the movies...
Kiss aphole gallering tablescri.
meta-date: Sun Oct 31 09:40:00 1999
Woo! Time for the spooky Halloween issue. Or not. It's a little too early in the morning to be spooky. Was just playing System Shock 2 - goddamn that is an atmospheric game - almost crapped myself when a big robot appeared out of nowhere and my pistol jammed after my first shot. Eek! Another night in alone. But I don't mind. I will watch some dodgy movies and play on the computer and listen to Darkwave music. Bought Hearbeat of the Earth by Inkubus Sukkubus yesterday - Celtic Folk Metal is how I would describe it. Very goth. I also bought the Exorcist on DVD - got it home only to find that it's a fucking flipper! Aaargh! Oh well, bored of this now - time to do something else...
Saturday, 30 October 1999
Synching gablespect plesmania gatempo hambundign.
meta-date: Sat Oct 30 10:24:00 1999
Feel silly making today's update. Will do it anyway. Have been making mountains out of molehills all morning. I have calmed, but am still not feeling entirely rational. Nothing in it. We danced a little. We talked a little. I helped her drench Gareth in beer. She implied that she's like to meet me again sometime as I left - probably just being friendly. Still alone, but have had my hope for improvement renewed. I had given up. I don't know what hurts more - the empty desolation of before or the hope for change. I am being fucking stupid believing a word of my beer soaked memories. I didn't feel drunk at the time, but I was. I must be reading more into it than there was, but I can't get the thought that maybe I'm not out of my head.
Interrant plinties kas allander dromentens.
meta-date: Sat Oct 30 06:09:00 1999
No luck trying to sleep. To most people last night would have meant nothing. It probably meant nothing to her. She has probably forgotten already. There was probably nothing to remember. Yet I sit here stewing over it.
Nisimi dulotesta sly beaskate soundemen.
meta-date: Sat Oct 30 04:51:00 1999
I can't think straight. Nothing to do with the fact that I am recovering from copious alcohol, or the fact that I have only had 4 hours sleep. Mind spinning again. How could last night have happened? She doesn't even know anything about me - she must have liked me to look at. She must have been very very drunk. The beer fights that she was in were another good indicator of her insobriety. I know nothing about her either. Just her name and the fact that she is very attractive. I really need to sleep for a couple more hours but my mind is racing too much.
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