Bloody Trains!

Bloody trains! "Due to an incident in London" the Thameslink trains are being diverted to St. Pancras. The city branch of the Northern line is out of action, so I'll have to take a diversion halfway across the city to get to work. Serves me right for thinking today was going well. I have managed to write all of this sitting on the train before it pulls out of the station - looks like it will be a looong trip...

Open a vein
Release the pain
A scar remains
Clarity regained
Until it happens again

Tracks without end
Another station - mind the gap
Children laughing
I hope they never feel this way
Start - Stop - Start
Lather, rinse, repeat
I move without moving
The music plays on
Nothing would change were I not here
Someone would have a seat
But nothing else
Soon I will be underground
Fighting against a human tide
An announcement comes
Another delay
It doesn't matter
I have nowhere else to be

Emptiness
I work, I sleep
I travel a route without sights
Always alone
Can anyone fill my emptiness?
Does anyone care?

All change please
A request that cannot be ignored
I need to change
But I am who I am
How do I change that?
Why should I need to?
I have no wish to change
But if I do not I will forever be alone

The rain falls
Blessed release
I wish I was out in it
Not cooped up in this metal shell

Out and to work

Out of the doctors 10 mins before I was supposed to be there. Cool. BP is lower - must still be high though as she asked me back to get it checked again in a months time.

Time to go to work...

Doctor

Sitting in a graveyard listening to switchblade symphony (The Three Calamities) and drinking a hot hazlenut latte. Its times like this when I feel at peace. Nearly an hour before my doctors appointment. Time to relax...

Cold stone
Final rest
There will be peace
Forever and for us all

I will have to come back here at night when I can be alone. I hope they don't lock the gates.

I just remembered another fragment of a dream from last night:

I was on a ship looking over the railings - I told the person next to me that I could stand there looking down at the wake of the ship forever.

CD just ended - I feel like more of the same so I'll put Bread& Jam for Frances on...

My bag stinks of stale Guinness from last Friday night... I have got to stop smuggling drinks out for people when they can't manage to drink up before being kicked out.

Another hot day - at least there's aircon in my office...

A cold wind blows lightly
Across sweat soaked back
Shivers follow behind

Goddamn this is a good CD. Time to move on...

Hmmm, time for a dream diary entry methinks...

Starts with me as an external observer watching a town using high tech bows and arrows (fire laser bolts) to repel an invasion by flying energy beings.  The energy beings begin to fly away, and I follow.  Once we are out of sight of the town the energy beings land and transform into a group of female warriors.  As they walk across the land they come across strange buildings which are built partly under ground.  They find a semi-detached house in the middle of a moor and decide to move in.  One of the amazons gets into and argument with the others, I think it is because she feels sorry for attacking the town earlier.  I can't remember how, but I enter the scene and start to try and save the one with a conscience (I am not sure what I am saving her from, but this is a dream and doesn't need to make sense).  After they kill me several times while making rescue attempts and I am mysteriously resurrected each time I finally make it to the door of the room where she is sleeping by shinning up the banister (there were no stairs for some reason).  I am just about to enter her room and try to convince her to leave when another door on the hallway opens and one of the amazons comes out and sees me.  Her war cries bring the others out and just before I am overwhelmed by their numbers I say "I am only trying to save her!" and suddenly they stop attacking me.  I think they saw me as some sort of religious figure who had come to save her soul.  That's when I woke up..

That one was bizarre even for me.

In darkness I am whole
The deep night soothes my pain
Wrap me in your black wings
Sweet darkness take me home

Not yet thin

Final update for today...  Ween's "Chocolate and Cheese" playing in the background.

Over the past week or so I have been trying to be more open about my emotions - rather than bottling them up inside and leaving them to ferment. It seems to be having interesting effects.  I have had questions about my health, personal advice and plain old sympathy.  It's probably too early to hope that this is going to lead me out of the darkness that has plagued me for so long, it is making me feel relatively positive at the moment though...

Novelty

Wow, two updates on the first day - won't be able to keep that up for long ;)

I hate this heat.  I have been sitting in front of the screen sweating all day. I wish it could be night eternally - there is no time I feel more content than when walking in a light drizzle in the early hours of the morning - the only thing in my experience that competes is sitting on a beach at night - nothing but the sound of waves on the shore.  I wish there was enough space in my room to get an air conditioning unit, but there is far too much stuff crammed in here already.

Wet heat
Drowning in mediocrity
Soul screaming in pain
But all is silent

I really have to get a life - but I have no idea where to look and I wouldn't know what to do with it if I had one anyway.

Poetry

Sitting here listening to "Bread and Jam for Frances" by Switchblade Symphony I have felt the urge to write some poetry for the first time in ages...  Haven't got anything polished, but here are some fragments...

Emptiness is all I feel
Why must I be so alone?
Is it me?

This emptiness blackens my soul
Soon to be void, an empty hole
The blackness spreads
And I know not how to halt the advance
Before I am a mere husk
Blindly going through habitual motions
In an imitation of life

My heart is numb
Except for the dull, throbbing ache of loneliness

What is there to keep me here?
Who is there that cares?
Why do I keep going?
Please tell me the point.

Mediocrity
Emptiness
Pain
Life.

I think I shall sleep now - not because I am tired, but because it will grant me a few hours of sweet oblivion.