Back from my sister's and back in the saddle. I'm getting back into the depressed state of mind. Christmas will tend to do that. Lot's of happyjoykissfucklove on TV, staying with my younger sister and her two beautiful kids and seeing her with her boyfriend. And not being called at all. Not that I blame her - she would have to be insane to want to call me. I have to give up. To sit back and let life go on. Something will happen sooner or later. Something. Such as death. More likely than love... Nothing will change. Do I never learn? No I don't. Stubborn as a mule. I allow myself to be sucked into the hope that something is finally going right in my personal life when I know I am not ready. I am not a good catch - I am a shit. I am lazy, messy, impolite, unobservant, forgetful. I would be loving and loyal - but those are traits best found in a dog, sure they should be at the core of a relationship, but other things are needed as well. There is also the shell that I have built around myself. No-one and nothing gets in or out. I am not fully convinced of my lack of worth and that is where my problem lies. If I were fully convinced then I could either give up all hope of a relationship and get on with the other parts of my life, or I could kill myself now and do the world a favour. Or do the other parties in any possible future relationships a favour anyway... But I persist in the notion that perhaps there is something that someone could see in me. Sure there's the money, but I would never want a relationship based on that. I'd be better off just visiting a whore. My self esteem is low enough, without giving myself proof that the only way I can get laid is to pay for it. It's probably the truth though. There are very few subjects I can actually talk about, especially with strangers. Computers and my lack of a relationship are the two that seem to come up most often. I get very disillusioned with computers though and like to keep the conversation away from them unless things get desperate. Computers are so close to the core of all that's fucked up in my life. Maybe if I'd never found out about computers my life would have gone differently and I would have been forced to interact with others more often, causing me to have more self confidence. Not likely though - I probably would have just found the joys of double entry book keeping and become an accounts clerk or something. I should stop blaming the job. Plenty of computer geeks find love. It's nothing to do with that and everything to do with the fact that I am a social misfit. No that's wrong too. Plenty of people don't fit in with society. I just don't fit with people fullstop. The only social activity I take part in is getting pissed, which is hardly a good way to meet people. I'm usually too pissed to remember my own name without having to really concentrate. No-one seems to believe that I am worse at chatting in real life than I am online. I am though. My online chat skills are pretty dire - I can hold my own in the insane babblings of the KK, but when things turn serious it's back to either computers, alcohol or my lack of a love life. And it's me that starts it every fucking time. I think I enjoy telling people how shit I am. Even more proof that I'm a total fuck up - as if any was needed. Yup, I'm definitely on a downturn again...
Tuesday 28 December 1999
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