I just want to get so drunk that I lapse into a coma and never wake up. Or to be the only victim of a freak earthquake - swallowed whole by the earth. Pathetic loser fuckwit arsehole tit bastard. There are no words that cut deep enough. I keep hoping that if I hate myself enough maybe something will snap and I will change. It's not happening though. Still just as bad as I've ever been. One of the numerous freaks inflicted on the world by a fucked-up society. Is it genetic? Was it my upbringing? My sister had the same upbringing, but she turned out ok. A fault in the centres of social function in my brain. No good for anything but my work - which I enjoy - but is not enough to fill the void I feel in my chest. I just wish I could be myself when I am with others - but apparently that is too much to ask - my mind won't allow it. I have to restrict it to these hours of lonely boredom on the train. Pathetic.
Monday, 6 December 1999
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