Wasting so much good material on inner dialogue this weekend - time to get some of it down. I am in a new place at the moment. Usually when I go off on a self hate binge I get all depressed - this time is different - I feel detached somehow. A cold rage at my inadequacy. All mouth and no trousers. I go on and on about how no-one loves me - but can I really be surprised? I am a total loser. I can't get over this fear of doing something wrong. I know on a theoretical level that nothing lasting can happen if I do something wrong - yet the fear is there. My fear of saying or doing something wrong leads me to say and do nothing just to be on the safe side. I am pathetic. Why do I do it? What am I afraid of? Is it rejection? I've been rejected before, and I know it only hurts for a while - nothing permanent. Is it because I don't want to impose? That could explain why I can say things online that I would never say in person - if I put something up here that no-one wants to read, then they just don't read it. If I'm saying something in person then it's only polite to stick it out. People will generally tend to pretend that it isn't an imposition rather than cause hurt feelings. I only want to speak if the other person wants to listen - I find it hard to believe that anyone would though. Æ, en ömurlegt. Apparently that means "Oh, how pathetic", but in a sympathetic way. Cool language - gotta dig any language which can tell you you're pathetic while showing empathy. I wonder how babelfish would translate it? It doesn't translate Icelandic though, so no way to tell... The thought of eternal loneliness still causes me pain, but knowing that it is my fault rather than that of fate is oddly comforting. I am fucking weird. Bigtime yo-yoing of my insides at the moment. Up then down. Topsy-turvey. I wish I was someone else. I guess someone's got to be me though, and I wouldn't want to inflict it on anyone else. I just hope that if there is someone up there watching I am giving him a chance to get a good belly laugh in at my expense. Laugh it up beardy boy - I won't last forever, then you'll have to find some other pathetic sap to pick on. Somebody shoot me - I haven't got the guts to do it myself. Forever lays before me. I guess I take it one step at a time... Curling up in a ball and wanting to die doesn't help though. It's passed some time over the weekend though... Didn't get dressed at all today - only strayed downstairs a couple of times to get food. Most of the day in front of the TV. As usual. Lot's of online time while I've downloaded stuff. No-one around to chat to though. Not that I'm even vaguely comparable to good company at the moment. It helps to rant at someone every now and then though. I don't know if this is helping or not. Usually this helps me get the feelings out - to calm me. Today though it is just as bad as when I brood on this stuff internally. I wish I wasn't so obsessive. I wish I could just put the past behind me and move on. Learn from my mistakes and face tomorrow. The scary thing though is that even with all of the reconstruction I have done in my head over the past two days I still wouldn't do anything different if I had the time again. I don't know how to do things different. It's not in my nature. At least my line will end here and my genes will never be inflicted on future generations. Trying so hard to find the glass half full - but it ever remains half empty. God I wish I could just collapse into bed and sleep - I'm not tired though - spent too much time sleeping this weekend already. The thought of leaving the house fills me with dread. What right do I have to inflict myself on society when I'm so obviously dysfunctional. I'm like some bizarre semi-autistic freak. Someone new comes along and I just freeze up totally - go all inwards and say nothing. Open up eventually - to an extent anyway. But by that time the damage is done. It's not like I always say the wrong thing either - I do sometimes, but when I start I can generally keep on topic, and sometimes even be relevant or funny. But when I freeze I am lost - my mind goes empty and I can't find any thoughts to string together. OK, this is officially not helping. I'm gonna call it a night as far as the writing is concerned. G'Nite.
Sunday, 5 December 1999
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