Not much diary this weekend - too much reading and everquesting. Cooking eggs now - not going to play EverQuest while doing that - last time I ruined the pan - boiling eggs for four hours tends to do that... I am so crap at the moment - haven't got dressed all weekend - I planned to do some stuff yesterday, but didn't even leave the house. One of the books I bought on Thursday was the wrong one - I don't know how, but I managed to pick up the wrong one from the shelf, walk around the shop with it in my hand for at least ten minutes and then didn't even notice at the checkout. It's an author I've heard good things about - so it's not a total disaster - but it reinforces my opinion that I am too dumb to be wandering the streets alone. That has to be one of the worst internal justifications for why I need someone to be with ever. Randomness is my trade. Chaos. How can I be so impulsive and so resistant to change at the same time? Impulsiveness could be a good thing - it could be exciting - but I leave the good part out and just do dumb stuff for no reason. I like being who I am, but I can't think of any reasons why - is it just my resistance to change saying "be who you are - you know where you stand - there is no risk - you are comfortable"? Longer entry than I was expecting to write - cool. I was ok, but now I feel empty. I think I will bury myself in a book again. I may even manage to finish it today. Help - I'm a prisoner in a boredom factory. Apathy's lament - you may think it's bad now, but just wait and see how bad it gets when you try and change things.
Sunday 5 September 1999
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