Blood pressure up again - 164/96. I've got to go to the hospital for a blood test - see the nurse for an ECG, and the Doctor has referred me for a 24 hour blood pressure check. I am a sick puppy. In many ways. And the crowd roars "you fat bastard!". Cheery songs from the new Type O Negative album to keep me happy. Free coffee this morning - Yay! Track day on Friday has renewed my interest in buying a Caterham 7. It was definately the most fun car to drive. The Elise was quite nice, but was much heavier and had a very stiff throttle. It was just as difficult to get in and out of too. And more expensive and a longer waiting list. The Audi S4 was very nice to drive too. Looks like the train will be packed this morning. Bugger. At the wrong end of the train, but at least I have got a seat. My head is going to explode. Who wants to live forever - certainly not I. Shopping list - System Shock 2, Blue Velvet on DVD. I won't get Blue Velvet until I check the BBFC (Board of Butchers and Fanatical Censors) site - if there are any cuts then I will get the region 1 disc. There isn't likely to be a commentary - David Lynch doesn't like analysing his films - he prefers others to build their own opinion of them. Probably no other extras either - just a high quality copy of the movie. My VHS copy is Pan & Scan - it'll be good to have it in widescreen. I won't bother going into town if all I want is SS2 - I'll pick it up at London Bridge - or wait until Thursday. Is the illusion of normality a good or bad thing? The freak has to be let off the leash every now and then - otherwise it will burst out when you're not looking. I know that from past experience. Does the mask serve any purpose? Should I just be my miserable, self-depreciating self 24-7? Would it do any harm? Probably not - but I am too set in my ways - there is no way I will be letting the mask slip. Latex smile hides pain and anger inside. I wish that I was more superficial. That I could feel comfortable issuing shallow pleasantries with people. That I had an inflated sense of self-importance and could go up and talk to strangers and feel like I was granting them a favour by doing so. It would make me a total wanker, but I wouldn't be physically lonely, and would have no need for mental companionship. Lonliness doesn't matter if you are happy with your own company. I am not. If I am not, why would anyone else be?
Monday, 27 September 1999
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