Grade A wanker. Something I'm good at - a pity it's a bad thing. You don't score well with girls for knowing a lot about Everquest. I wish it didn't all come down to scores - but that's the way I think. I am a mathematician at heart - everything is in the numbers. At least I understand numbers. I am good with them. Unlike emotions - which I don't understand and my only skill with them is reading them wrong. I really should give up on this thread - it is never going to lead anywhere - but one of my faults is never knowing when the horse is dead - keep on flogging it way beyond the point where it is doing any good. I hate it when people look at me. It makes me feel paranoid. I guess I should make an effort to look more normal - to blend in to the crowd - no-one would look twice at the ugly fat bastard in a crowd - but when you add my goatee and tuft you add instant amusement factor. Look at the weirdo with the comedy hair - is that his real gut - or does he have a large duvet strapped to his stomach? What else can I write? I suck. I have no useful skills. I have no good points. This is all old hat. Nothing new. Starting this site was original - I used up all my original in the first week - now I just re-hash old tripe. Witness my mediocrity and fear. There but for the grace of god goeth thou. Or some such bollocks. Maybe I was better off leaving the page un-updated. A blank page was probably more interesting than this. Positive. What is good about me? I am good with computers. I can read fast. I can apply logic. I am occaisionally amusing. All good things to have on a CV - but nothing to imply that I would be a good partner in a relationship. What is wrong with me? Why did I get short changed when emotional sensitivity was handed out? Why can I not see things other people take for granted? It's not a technical aptitude thing - there are plenty of people more technical than me that can handle a relationship as well. I am just sub-human.
Tuesday 21 September 1999
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