Why do I bother? It's not as if one of these nights I will meet someone. Just spend time seeing people I know lip-locked, wishing it was me. Kissing someone would be embarassing - I don't have a clue what to do. I hope I will find out one day. Not likely though. I will die alone. Why does that scare me? I have never known any different. My deepest knowledge of matters romantic all has a Hollywood rose tint. Dizzy. Dumb. Something nearby is beeping - I don't know what. It sounds like the beep once message alert on my phone. It is probably Dan's phone, but l am sure I heard it alert with a different tone earlier. Why am I so shit? Apocalyptic predictions of the world ending in the year 2000 are reassuring - not long to go. It will all be over soon and I will no longer hurt. No longer care. Don't want to commit suicide, so I wish for the end of the world. Wishful thinking the Russell way. Nothing lasts forever. Usually used as a negative statement, but I find that I can draw hope from it. Want. "When you do find someone it will be forever". Tracy said that last night. I wish I could belleve that. She used the word when - not if. She obviously has more confidence in me than I do. I can't even keep penpals for more than about 3 emails. I wish people would tell me why they don't like me instead of walking away in silence.
Friday 17 September 1999
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