Tuesday 28 September 1999

Interokles rumbort funders.

meta-date: Tue Sep 28 10:53:00 1999

So much for that plan. No copies at either EB on Oxford St. the tube is buggered now too. If it doesn't start moving soon I'm going to be late. An hour to get from Oxford Circus to Greenwich is pushing it. Ahh, motion. Emotion. Heh, there are people getting off at TCR - it would have been much quicker to walk. Stopped again. Read a pretty amusing article on the net about why geeks make good lovers the other day - some of it was so true to me that it was scary, the stuff about Trek was out though - I obviously don't qualify as a Net geek as to me Trek is just another show to me. Train has bqoken down, oh joy. Looks like I'm definately going to be late. Back to the geek thread... In some ways according to the article I must be some form of ├╝bergeek. Most computer geeks can open up in online chat much easier than RL - not I, e-mail and usenet are fine - chat is a definate no-no though. I wonder why I am like this, it is a pain in the arse. Sitting on the floor at Charing cross waiting for the Greenwich train to come up on the board. Ho-hum. I never start the conversation, someone else always does that part. My leg it going to sleep, I wish they would hurry up and announce the train so that I can sit in a real seat. On the train, about to leave. Do I actually come to any conclusions with these ramblings? Nothing I didn't know before. There is something about me that repels the thing I seek, I have known that for a long time - I just don't know what that thing is. I actually find myself wanting to be hurt by someone close to me sometimes - for that to happen someone would have to be close to me. Something I want but seem incapable of acheiving. Can emotional logic be formalised? Pairings of states - said(meant) - gives possibilities true(true), true(false), false(true) and false(false) - it's a case of knowing the hidden state when there are no clues. Why am I even bothering to write this - it has no basis in fact - I have never even been deep enough in a relationship to even say hello to the other person, or to even let the other person even know that I have seen that they exist. If I make eye contact I quickly look away and pretend it never happened - keep my eyes averted for a good five-ten minutes. Doing everything wrong, because that is what feels most right.