There was a brief battle between euphoria and melancholy - but this is me - euphoria was never really in the running. I wish I had never written some of my entries from the past couple of weeks. Other people are a lot more confident than I am. I can feel myself building to a very public fall - and I now have another 3 weeks to build up the pedestal from which I will drop. Not high enough to kill on impact - just high enough to hurt. A lot. I wish I didn't get so obsessional. Tonight shouldn't be a big deal - shit happens. But it was. And now it's not. I don't know what I feel - but I know I won't be spending the next few days with a smile on my face. The train is late too. I hate my life. I have no reason to be like this. No-one owes me anything. I have no right to be such an impatient fuck. As I wrote earlier - 3 weeks is less than 0.25% of my life so far. It's nothing in the general scheme of things. The past week has seemed like an eternity though. I hope she doesn't cancel on the 3rd too. I'm not actually too keen on hearing the words "Actually - I liked you better when I didn't know you. Can you go away now please..." but I would prefer to have heard them tonight than to expect them for the next 3 weeks. There is always the possibility that I won't like her after getting to know her - but I find that harder to believe than her not liking me.
Friday, 12 November 1999
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