Friday 12 November 1999

Dented gotisting gale stewardiom.

meta-date: Fri Nov 12 21:51:00 1999

There was a brief battle between euphoria and melancholy - but this is me - euphoria was never really in the running.  I wish I had never written some of my entries from the past couple of weeks.  Other people are a lot more confident than I am.  I can feel myself building to a very public fall - and I now have another 3 weeks to build up the pedestal from which I will drop.  Not high enough to kill on impact - just high enough to hurt.  A lot.  I wish I didn't get so obsessional.   Tonight shouldn't be a big deal - shit happens.  But it was.  And now it's not.  I don't know what I feel - but I know I won't be spending the next few days with a smile on my face.  The train is late too.  I hate my life.  I have no reason to be like this.  No-one owes me anything.  I have no right to be such an impatient fuck.  As I wrote earlier - 3 weeks is less than 0.25% of my life so far.  It's nothing in the general scheme of things.  The past week has seemed like an eternity though.  I hope she doesn't cancel on the 3rd too.  I'm not actually too keen on hearing the words "Actually - I liked you better when I didn't know you.  Can you go away now please..."  but I would prefer to have heard them tonight than to expect them for the next 3 weeks.  There is always the possibility that I won't like her after getting to know her - but I find that harder to believe than her not liking me.