Sunday 14 November 1999

Earristim bugle ism suality paper.

meta-date: Sun Nov 14 19:05:00 1999

Have calmed now - especially after reading the amazing 5th volume of Janny Wurts' Wars of Light and Shadow series - Grand Conspiracy.  I have read a lot of books since the last instalment and had forgotten just how convoluted the machinations in her books get - plots within plots within plots.  A total headfuck.  I wouldn't have it any other way.  Haven't been able to concentrate on it as clearly as I would like, and have found myself taking frequent breaks.  Distracted by music mainly - actually found myself sobbing while listening to Midnight Queen by Inkubus Sukkubus last night.  No tears, just a couple of sobs accompanied by a deep clinging sadness.   I really need something to cheer me up, but just sit here alone with no ideas.   Find myself overreacting to minor things.  Like this morning...  I should get out and do anything, but have no drive.  No point to it.  Nothing ever changes. Why would it?  The world is comfortable with the place I hold at present and has no desire to see me move beyond it.  Now listening to American music which is trying desperately to be late 80s British Indy - right down to fake British accents.   Wannabes.  Thought some cheery music might cheer me up - should have known better - that never works with me - happy things only work when I am already up - when I am down they just channel my depression into anger.  I am fire - where is my water?   I am earth - where is my air?  All four elements are needed in equality to free the spirit.  Without my counterpart I languish in mediocrity.

In a darkness without end
Seeking the light
The horizon burns
As I fly towards it as fast as the wind
But it is never gets closer
No end to the chase in sight
The wild hunt will go stretch through eternity

Do I prefer verse or prose?  Prose is easier certainly, but verse has a power.  A resonance that is lacking in other forms.

Cheery lyrics grate
Rub the wrong side of my tainted self
Not hard enough to remove the stain
Just hard enough to cause friction.
The heat refuses to dissipate
Gathers in my chest
Threatens to burst out
I try to swallow it
It is acquiescent for the present
But the truce will not hold forever
I need somewhere to ground the static
Before lightening strikes
And burns an irreparable hole through my soul

The vortex swirls in my stomach
A dark whirlpool
Threatening to swallow my existence
I stubbornly refuse

Swirling.  I cannot capture the emotions.  No words to express what is happening in my head at the moment.  Wound tight inside.  I need to get it out before something snaps, but nothing will come. Black. Always.  A vortex, but there is no tide.  There is no effort expended to keep myself from being sucked it.   Or maybe that is a deception - maybe the tug is so light that I don't notice as small parts of my self are torn off and absorbed.  Need to do something.  Will probably just sleep - easy way out - avoid the problems.  Embrace of oblivion.   Dark maiden welcoming me home. Wrapped in the cool comfort of her raven wings.   It is too early for sleep though - no matter how tired I am of the waking world.   Sleep now would just bring wakefulness too early tomorrow.  Room is a mess.   Maybe I could tidy it up.  Or maybe monkeys will fly out of my arse.   Have spent all day reading a challenging book - am not really ready for the burdens of concentration.  Maybe I could just watch some unassuming videos.  Was thinking the other day that it was I while since I watched my Aeon Flux videos - could be a good time to rectify that.  Feel lighter for having made the decision.  Not sure that I want to stop, as I seem to have unlocked something - the words are streaming now.  Maybe I should just wait for the end of the album.  A pain in the neck.   From lying down all day no doubt.  I wish I wasn't so fidgety - I find it difficult to lay still while reading or sleeping - continually shifting position.   Not easy to find a position except laying on my back that is suited to reading - usually end up with stiff elbows and neck - rest by putting the book on the floor and dangle my head off of the end of the bed.  Need a drink.  Back in a sec.   Not really in the mood for music at the moment - but I play some anyway to ward off the emptiness.  Sometimes emptiness is to be savoured.  Other times it consumes.   Brief distraction to help a damsel in distress.  A bit dramatic - it was actually a request from mum to find info about Theseus on the Internet for one of her friend's daughter so she can do her homework.  Helped distract me for a while though.   Enough time.  I am finished here.  Goodbye.