Living my life in a haze of daydreams. Maybe it is the hunger. I wish I didn't forget to eat. I haven't actually eaten anything today. My only sustenance has been coffee and soft drinks. As ever I am obsessing - inventing an endless stream of scenarios that will never play out. Even if the circumstances arose I would never do the right thing. I can think of a number of occasions in the past which prove just how bad I am at handling non-technical conversations. I have conditioned myself to say the minimum possible - saves me from having to explain myself, which is inevitable. Also minimises the number of times I make myself look a twat by saying exactly the wrong thing. Again something I have done many times in the past. I am crap at everything that means anything. I don't like me - so why the hell would anyone else? Everything wrong. Why me? Time to change the disc. I wish I could change the track inside. Wish I didn't obsess so much. Wish I didn't resort to wishing and actually get off of my arse and do something. Apathetic. Pathetic. Want it all. And want delivery. Lazy. Whenever I have made an effort in the past I have done the wrong thing and fucked things up. Sim and the card. Nagel's bike. Erin and the email. Fights because I wouldn't back down. The worst - there are others. Nothing ever works - so why bother? Obsessing again. Focusing on past failures. Can't focus on future success because I can't see into the future. Even if I could I would need a microscope to make any chances of success visible. Defeatist attitude - it's the only one I have.
Monday, 1 November 1999
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