How much is done for shock factor? Here I don't think anything - other places are a different matter. I updated my match.com profile earlier - used a fragment of an earlier entry - the butterfly rant from this morning. Was a deep piece that says a lot about me - but I could have picked a tamer piece. Who cares though - nothing will ever come of it. Bought some food but don't want to eat it. Shitstench. The wonders of public transport. A couple of extra days of lonely emptiness coming up - as if I don't get enough of that already... Blank again. As ever. Wishing for a death ray. Pierced through the heart. Sucking the sustaining darkness from my soul. A shrivelled husk. Desiccated. Ready for reconstitution - just add water. What difference. An endless nothing is all that awaits in life or death. No point. Just get on with it. Wishing for oblivion. What a difference a day makes. Shrouded in hide. Hollow eyed. Fancy footwork. Practised insults. Drunken spontaneity. Living in denial. Am I really that afraid? Boat rocked. One more wave and I might fall in. Fuck it. I can't be arsed.
Tuesday, 2 November 1999
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