One of those going to work naked dreams last night. I think I may have noticed before I got there in this weather. Shopping time again. Only a few comics this time. The ones I didn't get Saturday. I was a total twat for not noticing. I said to put them on my standing order - meaning put them on the computer - but they were not in the bag when I got home, so I think he must have put them in my section of the standing order box ready to be collected at a later date. And I was too tired to notice. Or too unobservant. My hand hurts - I should stop writing really, but I have started so I'll keep going. Kapow. Kaching. Betrayal. Impossible for me - I never let anyone get close enough. I need someone with an emotional sledgehammer to break down the wall around my heart. Stronger from the inside than from the outside. Shoddy workmanship. Built to keep pain out - but in reality just stops pain getting out. Arse. I'm like a broken fucking record. One track mind. Need to re-focus. Exercise some internal censorship. People force their way onto the carriage. Hehe my hair has gained me some personal space - wind blows it into other people's faces, so they move back. I was just thinking about how I find nearly every woman on the underground this morning very attractive when suddenly I find myself in the middle of a crowd of ugly people. She looks remarkably like a frog - I wonder if she's some sort of lovecraftian amphibian hybrid.
Tuesday, 23 November 1999
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