Miserable. No change there. Soul empty. Fill me. Darkness has fallen outside. Clean. But not cleansed. Why? Where is the off button - I've had enough. Standby. If only we could put ourselves in suspended animation during the boring times. Fast forward. Deja-vu - I was talking about that with someone a few days ago... Shadows dancing. Look into the flames. Sputter. Light turned out. There is no darkness in the modern age - the candle burns, but is assisted by the glow of my screen - my alarm clock - the charge light flashing on my razor - the front display of my CD player - my amp - my VCR - house lights from the neighbours come in through the windows - the light of the town reflecting from the clouds above. The only true darkness is within. Firebug. Sticking matchsticks into the molten wax of the candle - watching the flames dance higher. The wick is now too low to burn - smothered - I will have to hope that enough wax burns off from the matches otherwise it will be useless. I haven't had any decent sized candles for ages. I can stare into a flame for hours. A form of meditation. I should have gone to a bonfire. It's never the same in a crowd though - staring into a fire is a time for contemplation - something to be done on your own, or with someone so close that they feel a part of yourself. I wish. The embers of the dead matches glow. The flame dances in the wind of my breath. All is calm. Harmonious. The candle is about to die. The wick is still below the level of the pool of wax, and one of the matches has just collapsed - the other cannot be far behind. A new match sorts that one. I can't believe I am actually writing this - I must be incredibly bored. I have never been able to get the hang of totally automatic writing - I am always thinking about it. I have never been able to do glossolalia either - I have tried, but my mind never seems to let go. Always on duty. The wick has caught at last - the candle is saved. Not that any of this matters - what is a single candle in the eyes of the Goddess? Brunching.com haven't updated Tina the Troubled Teen's saying for several days now. Why is it they always forget to update when a crap one is selected. Falling without moving. Eternal freefall. Am I falling towards something or away from something? Chaos mind. Nothing lasts forever. Simple thermodynamics. Entropy theory. Fireworks again - a flash in the sky. Momentary light - but not enough to pierce the shadow shroud. Wrapped in the deep darkness. Oh for the embrace of oblivion - all comes to those who wait. Flecks of burnt wood from the matches are floating in the wax pool pulled towards the wick like a dark microscopic reflection of a moth - the closer you look the more detail there is. A fractal world. Entranced. Time passes. Life passes by. Is it being wasted? I feel content at the moment, so I would say not. Perhaps I could feel better than content - but I could certainly feel worse, so I am not motivated to experiment. Drinking water. Hair in my eyes. Have gone back to keeping it slightly longer. I realised what a twat I looked when it was too short. I probably still look a twat - but at least not in my own eyes, which is a positive. Ooh - pretty. More fireworks. Some of them quite impressive. Haven't updated the readinglist page for ages - have read about 4 books that don't even appear. Was a pointless page anyway. All of this is pointless. None of it truly matters in my heart - perhaps this page - it helps sometimes - I am no longer quite as twisted up inside. Another shave. Random clicking about within the page - no modifications made - just random browsing. Killing time. Maybe I should sleep again. I would only wake up later unable to sleep anymore - and would then have to kill time then. Music has finished - something to do - choose what to listen to next. Have extinguished the candle. Will burn it again some other time. Will turn on the lights. Go downstairs perhaps. Read some, maybe eat. Try to be normal for a while.
Sunday, 7 November 1999
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