Last night I experienced a moment of perfect happiness only to find it was just an illusion. It hurts. It really hurts. If I hadn't woken up I probably wouldn't remember and all would be well. Or better than this anyway. Churn. How can a dream make me feel this empty? We didn't even really kiss - I woke up as soon as our lips met - and yet I have a memory of perfect contentment - the loss of that illusionary moment suddenly reminds me how empty my life really is. The stumbling to an accidental conclusion seemed so real. I have never experienced what I imagined last night - I could have blown things out of all proportion. I hope not. I hope I feel like that in reality one day. I hope, but I don't believe. I just regret the loss of that imagined perfect moment. And I have to try not to let it get to me too much. I have had a similar dream before. Woken shaking with the loss. Last time I don't remember hurting this much. Last time I left myself with permanent scars.
Tuesday, 19 October 1999
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