I think I have passed beyond rant mode now. Introspection. As if I ever do anything else. At least I can amuse occasionally. Just wish it happened more often. I might not feel so useless then. Pointless. I did a 13 hour shift today, and at the end of it I have got to the stage I thought I was at yesterday evening. I have achieved something though. Things are better. I may have made someone else's life easier - even though mine is still shit. Believe that and it might not seem as bad. The task ahead still looms. I wish I had something. It's fucking hard being alone. I don't like it. But like has nothing to do with it - it's what I've got. Fucked up. I have nothing interesting to say - just the same old shit that I've regurgitated a million times. Scratched record. Waiting to be switched off. Or kicked. Carpet. Comfort in closeness. Seems a very sound proposition in theory - when do I get to try the practical? Fucked in the head. World torn apart. No problem - there's never been anything worthwhile in it anyway. Never. Beetle. Ham. Cheese. God I'm hungry. Or is it just loneliness? They both make my stomach churn. Whatever.
Wednesday 20 October 1999
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