Sunday 24 October 1999

Proportely fronties scions ploparam publi.

meta-date: Sun Oct 24 17:42:00 1999

Bored bored bored bored bored. Nothing holds my interest.  I finished a book and can't be bothered to read the next one in the series.  I played a bit of EverQuest, but I couldn't be bothered to continue.  I am just about to run a bath, but can't be bothered to get up.  There is a conversation I really want to start, but I can't seem to think of anything to say.  Actually I can think of something to say - I just can't get myself to say it.  I'm going to run that bath... I wish I had a shower.  I hate waiting for the bath to run.  I can never judge the temperature right either. Time to put some music on.  Cradle of Filth's Cruelty and the Beast is sitting right in front of me, so I guess that's what I'll put in.  Saves having to look through the rack and make a decision.  I don't actually know if I like this album or not.  I haven't listed to it for quite a while.  The music is a bit formulaic and the vocals are terrible, but somehow I kinda like it.  Weird. Calling.   Must... Resist... Temptation.  Feel like cutting myself.  For no reason than to lick the wound.  I am fucked in the head. Lost in music. Stumbling online conversation last night.  Quite fun once it got going.  I should put awkward silences down as one of my hobbies - I'm actually quite good at them.  I knew there had to be something related to human interaction that I was good at.  Lol. Bangs outside.  I had forgotten how close it was to Guy Fawkes night.  And Halloween. Beltane or Samhain?  I can never remember... Maybe I should dig out some of my occult books for something to do - I can't be bothered though.  I hate being so apathetic, but I can't be bothered to do anything about it.  So I just sit here and seethe.   I find it difficult to believe what a sad fuck I am sometimes.  Laying on my bed earlier feeling lonely and hugging my pillow.  It's a while since I've been that desperate for closeness.  Inanimate objects don't help much though.  Bath has finished running, but as usual I have completely misjudged the temperature, and I will have to let it cool down for at least an hour so that it doesn't take the skin off of my legs when I get in.  I wonder what I would look like without skin.  I wonder if my insides are as ugly as they seem.  If everyone had no skin would I still be repulsive?  Of course I would - it's got very little to do with what I look like on the outside, and everything to do with the aura of "Fuck Off" that hangs around me.  I don't care, so don't come near.  Scar tissue.  Numb on the outside to dull the pain, but it dulls the other feelings more effectively.  Catch 22.   An urge to listen to Christendom by Paradise Lost.  I love this song.   Subwoofer adds atmosphere. Damn.  Finished.   ICQ popping up in front of the window.  I think I'll give up on this entry for now.  I think I'd run out of momentum anyway...