Mind going over a conversation that I don't particularly want to have because it shouldn't be needed. Just the sort of shit I don't like about my job. At least it's taken my focus away from my non-existent love life for a little while. The focus always returns though. God I fucking hate my life. Memory pokes out from a drunken haze - can't remember when it was or who said it - was talking to someone about my inability to initiate conversation with girls - was told "there's nothing easier". How I wish that was true. In my world there are a lot of things that are easier. Crawling naked over broken glass for example. I wonder if I've still got Troublegum in my CD case - suddenly reminded of a couple of lines from songs on that album. Bugger - not in there. Oh well. "with a face like this I won't break any hearts, and thinking like that I won't make any friends". That'll have to be enough for now. Time for some Mazza - Cake & Sodomy. I find myself longing for the time a couple of months ago where I actually felt content - was it real? Nothing was better in reality - all a matter of attitude. My attitude died years ago - the stench of decay is overpowering.
Wednesday, 27 October 1999
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