Hadn't eaten all day, but that doesn't excuse the pure piggery I just indulged in. Thai chicken with grilled vegetables. A lamb samosa. Two packs of Nik-Naks. A family sized bottle of raspberry Yop. An orgy of food. Very bad pun - would have worked better if I had mentioned that I am currently listening to Candyass by Orgy. Or perhaps not. "Don't waste your fucking time" - sage advice, but I do not heed it. Nil attention. I wish I knew Latin. I don't know why - I would just like to. I want. I need. Do I? I don't know. It feels like need - but I have done without thus far, so it is probably want. Not as impulsive as most of my wants. I can be patient sometimes - but only within certain limits. I. Filthy. Sick. Unpure. Unclean - beware. Train. Tightness. I will always be me. A slave to apathy. Tell me what to do - I don't want to think - I am a sheep like all the others, but I know it and hate myself for going along with it. Dumb. Dizzy. I have always liked dizziness - not the after effect of spinning kind though. I always like the dizziest characters - Willow, Harpo, Phoebe, La-La, Andy and Lucy in Twin Peaks, Stan Laurel - the list continues. I guess I am attracted by insanity. Not sure how that works - I thought it was supposed to be opposites that attract. Sky like scales. How should I feel? What are those around me feeling? I don't care. Only the interior matters. The rest can go to hell. Heck. Twist. Skeins of pain and hatred weave the fabric of this life.
Wednesday, 25 August 1999
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