Tuesday 17 August 1999


meta-date: 199908171138

Has all trace of the positivity I gained recently disappeared? No, it is still there. I don't know if I like it - I dream impossible dreams, but nothing actually improves. There is more chance for disappointment - if you hope for the worst then you will never be disappointed. I am at heart positive - I will never give up on life, but I don't like the frustration it brings. I close my eyes and wish for all the bad to go away - but I know that will never happen. I hate the unknown. The impenetrable curtain that divides the present from the future - so much more frustrating than the funhouse mirror that divides present and past - this image is warped, but at least it is there. I sometimes enjoy the anticipation of what is around the corner, but not on a large scale. I am become a self fulfilling prophecy. I used to imagine that things would sort themselves out in time - I am not so sure now - I have seen the years slip by with nothing new but the surroundings - the room has been repapered, but the furnishings are still the same - just me standing shivering on the rug in the centre. I used to joke with a friend at school that I would have had a girlfriend by the age of twenty - he found my placing the event that far in the future amusing - I am now twice as far into the future and it has still not happened and I don't know why. Plenty of quiet people are not alone, plenty of ugly people are not alone, plenty of fat people are not alone, plenty of fucked up people are not alone. Plenty of quiet, ugly, fat, fucked up people are not alone. I am. What is wrong with me? Is it just because I am so tied up in my own self doubt that I don't see the opportunity? Or is it that the opportunity is never there to begin with? I guess I just need to wait until my fear of loneliness exceeds my fear of rejection - if that ever happens - my inhibitions should crumble at that point. How many more years? One? Two? Eighty? I wish I knew what I need to change - I could then decide if I am willing to change it. A quick note to Dan - there are no song lyrics in this entry, just in case you were wondering :)