Creative journalism, I seem to be a master of it internally - I see things where there is nothing, I probably do the inverse too - but I don't notice that. I wish I could be more objective about it. Random thought with a lot of weight behind it: am I afraid of women in some way? Probably. If it had been a bloke I was talking to last night I probably have kept going until he told me to fuck off (or pretended to go offline and added me to his ignore list) but it wasn't and for some reason I felt uncomfortable saying exactly the sort of thing I pour out regularly here. Not quite true - there are only a few blokes I will open up to. I guess I have just known rejection before and do not want to know it again - it just hurts more from a woman because it reinforces my fears about being alone forever. Aaah! How I love to rationalise things away with pseudo-psychology early in the morning.
Monday 23 August 1999
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