Thursday 12 August 1999


Tired. Hot. Bothered. The rain was helpful in resolving the heat issue. Not enough time before the train arrived. Drivers door propped open - he must be hot too. Time passed without leaving an impression. I have no recollection of the last couple of minutes - blank slate. Blank stare. I have thought too much today. My brain just wants to shut down. Writing on auto-pilot. Crackle. Head pains - sharp tonight - not a dull ache. I am tired. I will be waiting up until I get the email - or until midnight. I have lot's of work to do tomorrow. With the tiredness I now feel I need more than 6 hours. Any later than midnight and I won't be worth anything tomorrow - any earlier than midnight and I won't be able to sleep. Still scared - but no longer shivering (outside) my stomach is churning - now I have eaten I can feel the butterflies again. I need another look at the last email. Be more positive. Stomach still churning - but in an uplifting way. Wow. Time for Down in it by NIN - apt at the moment. I used to be so big and strong - I used to know my right from wrong - I used to never be afraid - I used to be somebody - I used to have something inside - Now just this hole that's open wide - I used to want it all - I used to be somebody. There are no more words - I am pure thought and feeling.