How pointless was that? I didn't go to get my comics because I wanted to go for a drink, and then everyone leaves after I've only had time for one. I almost stayed on alone, but I would have just got pissed and depressed by the fact that I was alone. Leaving now I am annoyed, but nothing terminal. I wish I was the sort of person that could chat to people in bars, but I'm not, which means I can only go for a drink when other people are up for it. I am seriously fucking annoyed, but I have no reason to be. I hate myself when I am irrational. I hate myself most of the time. I hate everything most of the time. I just need to stew in my juices for a while, I will be OK later. Maybe. I am seriously tempted by the idea of buying a bottle of vodka and drinking myself into unconsciousness. I don't want to tread that path again. There are many things I have done in the past which scare me. Temples are throbbing, why am I so angry about a few drinks? The first time in a long time the inner demons have been quiet - was looking forward to having a few drinks just for fun. I think it's the lack of company that upsets me more than the drinks. I like sitting there talking about nothing of consequence - I am really disappointed it isn't going to happen. It's amazing how talking to someone and trying to maintain a facade of calm politeness calms you down. That and the thought of food. Ordering burger king has calmed me.
Thursday, 26 August 1999
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