Lazy. I want it all, but can't be bothered to go out and get it. I deserve this pain. I deserve to be alone. Numb inside. Empty. Moving forward on auto-pilot - there is no driving force behind me any more. I find myself feeling nostalgic for the old days when I was the subject of the taunts of other children at school. The desire to do better than them gave me fire inside. Now there is not even smoke left. A vacuum sucking me inwards. The OAP express today. I wonder if there is an old peoples convention somewhere. Inside my shell I wait and bleed. When I cut myself for the first time I did not know it was so common - I didn't have a single song that mentioned it - now I have dozens. The first song that mentioned it is the one I relate to least - NIN - the downward spiral. Trent hurt himself to prove that he could still feel - not my motivation. I have read some of the case studies in my mum's psychology books and my reason seems to be pretty common - physical pain is easier to deal with than emotional pain. The frustration flows out of the wound with the blood. Another one of those entries that I want to censor. I have got to stop thinking about how those reading this will react. It doesn't matter anyway, that episode of my life is over - I still find myself thinking about it though - not surprising when I have listened to at least three songs that mention it this morning. Coffee splash - misses my shirt - not like me. Do I regret? No. The only reason I stopped was the scars. Another grey day. Was looking through a training brochure with Claire yesterday - it was a winter/spring brochure - I asked whether there is an autumn/winter one out yet - realising as soon as I said it that it is only August - summer is not over yet - it just seems like it. I don't like summer - autumn is by far my favourite season.
Tuesday 24 August 1999
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