Wednesday 11 August 1999

At the Circus

Lydia, oh Lydia - oh have you met Lydia - Lydia the tattooed lady. I can't think tonight. My whole life is based on an email at the moment - what will be the result? Ack. I wish I had GSM capabilities on this thing. I only want to read one email. My Buffy comics are in my bag this evening - I may be able to calm my mind enough to read some of them. As it is I will probably just add them to my unsorted pile. A waste - there are probably those that would make good use of them. Never mind. Mark seemed to find the train journey we shared to be pretty bizarre - I will add an entry here anyway. While we were on the platform a woman asked us if we had any free change - I didn't, so said no. If I had had some I would still say no. She asked if we were homeless - when I said no she said "you are now". The home guard officer on the train shielded us with his wings of steel. In time Batfink will be replaced - it's hard luck. I am supposed to be able to think about this, but currently I cannot. I just want to go to sleep. I don't know what to do. Mister will you please help my pony - I think it's his lung. An hour to go. Bugger. I am not sober and I am not down. This is new to me. Moving as far and as far as you can. Your dreams are full of blood & gore - now they're right outside your door. They're gonna get you. Nininininini. Wannabe. Wannadie. Unexpected training has saved me from low productivity. It's six o two. She has probably written by now. I hate the uncertainty. I wonder how long it will take me to pluck up the courage to read my email when I get back. I watched the eclipse today. Pretty funky - nothing special compared to the email I am hoping for though. I am going to read her last email a couple of times (yes, I am sad enough to have it printed out and placed in my wallet)... I really, really hurt. I love it. I still can't believe that email was written about me. Maybe she has her address book confused. I am feeling very good - a sure sign of getting shot down in flames. I hurt, I am scared. This is not changing. Scares. Scars. I don't know if she knows that my scars are more than metaphor. I have told her about this site - but have not informed her about any updates. I have not seen any sign of her in the stats. When she says that my sight is great she may just be blaming it on the depressing poetry and the freak page now. Will she notice the other stuff and be scared off? I hate. I hurt. I scar. I heal. I feel. Wow. Let me feel good.