Wednesday 11 August 1999

Still waiting

Thoughts spiralling out of control - can't keep up. Both up & down. Someone cares. All the BS I've been churning around inside for so long shot down in flames. Why have I not woken up? Waiting for the punchline. Visions of a fat bloke in big brown underpants in a trailer park - is she real or some sad guy's pretence? A guy as sad as me. If she is real then has everything been because she thought I sounded sad and needed cheering up before I topped myself? Has my ranting been an imposition on her? Is my asking to meet her face to face going to scare her? As much as it scares me? All inside is questions - it's 2am CDT, no answers expected for hours... I can't breathe properly - am I clutching at straws? People get off, others get on. Does anyone else feel this torn? I wonder if this is how normality feels. Stop the world, I wanna get off. A rollercoaster ride too far. A brief interlude - thinking of what to ask in the interview I am conducting Friday. Glad I didn't put last night's question off until tomorrow - expecting an answer on Friday 13th would be very not good. I have always been a logical person - how did my superstition and love of the occult come about? Too many late night horror movies as a kid. Couldn't find Dracula with Bela Lugosi last time I looked for the video - I'll try HMV & Virgin tomorrow if I remember. Comics tomorrow - not a big week, but some cool stuff. Top Ten issue 2. Hope it lives up to the promise of the first one. Alan Moore is doing so much at the moment - and so well too. I thought that with that many comics every month they would seem diluted - but each one is two dozen pages of sheer brilliance. Calming down now - trains of thought back on a straight track. Almost ready for work. I need another coffee first though. Wow. She told me I should be more positive - I am trying (very trying) - but it is so difficult when people ignore what you are saying. I told the woman twice that I wanted black coffee - I get to the train and find she has given me white. If I had had my mind on the job at hand I would have noticed when I was still in the shop - there is no time now, my train is here. I'll drink it anyway, but that's not the point. I'll try to enjoy it - after all this is the new shiny happy me, overflowing with confidence... lol, maybe I should take it one step at a time - I'll try to tone things down to miserable git level... TTFN