Black as the devil bitter as hell. Gaping hole all empty. I can't even save myself. Everything I touch I break - I wanna break you. Sip. Magnet with the wrong polarity. Man in tweed with a little leather bag. Woman with a bad perm. I bet they aren't lonely. Nothing repels more than a black soul. Cheer up you miserable git. Why should tomorrow be any different from yesterday? Dream last night mirroring reality. Like Willow's vowels. Apathy. Mind like a broken mirror. Darkest days. Is there light ahead? Is it illusion? Is it an oncoming train about to crush me further into the ground. Hating myself doesn't help. I feel so useless... Why, after all this time, does it still feel the same. Will I ever get used to it? Nothing. It has changed - it used to hurt now it is just a numbness. Silently screaming. Anti noise headphones work - cut out most of the train noise. I keep breaking all the promises that I keep making to myself... I love this CD - not sure why, I haven't experienced what he's singing about - perhaps because it shows that life can be this bad in a relationship - not just before. Inside my shell I wait & bleed. Black sleeves hide the scars. Fade to Black. Now I will just say goodbye. Shallow empty shell. As good as dead - on the inside I'm dead already. With life is hope - why do I still believe things can be better? What proof have I seen. I won't become the thing I hate. never quit - keep going until it kills me. I fear things getting better - what of the inevitable fall back down - will I be higher or lower than now? Higher according to the bard. I still don't understand why I hope... Stubborn to the point of stupidity. Better the devil you know. I should record the good things here so that I remember them - but I don't notice them. Are they really not there or am I just too tied up in my own self-pity? Pretty woman in a summer dress - hurts just to look at her, but I keep looking back. What if I am alone forever? Is that my destiny? To die alone in a dingy flat with nothing but a one bar fire an a bottle of whiskey for company? Why do I get so depressed on the train? What's worse - to be alone on your own or alone in a crowd? Lots of votes in my last poll... The only person I scare is me. Sometimes I terrify myself. Many times I have curled myself into a ball and wished I was someone else - but I am me & have to live with it - someone has to, after all. Motionless in a human tide, just the scritch-scratch of the stylus for company. I wish I could smalltalk and read between the lines but I function on logic - just the facts ma'am, just the facts. Irrelevant conversation annoys me while sober, and drunk my input is worthless. Time for a music break... Hmmm,irrelevant dialogue annoys me - but I can spend hours on irrelevant monologue. I sometimes wonder if this is just some bad dream and I will wake up content - but no-one could have a sick enough psyche to put themselves through this could they? Almost to work - time to lose myself in bigger concerns for a few hours. Maybe drink enough tonight for sweet oblivion to carry me away on her black wings...
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