Friday, 6 August 1999


Black as the devil bitter as hell. Gaping hole all empty. I can't even save myself. Everything I touch I break - I wanna break you. Sip. Magnet with the wrong polarity. Man in tweed with a little leather bag. Woman with a bad perm. I bet they aren't lonely. Nothing repels more than a black soul. Cheer up you miserable git. Why should tomorrow be any different from yesterday? Dream last night mirroring reality. Like Willow's vowels. Apathy. Mind like a broken mirror. Darkest days. Is there light ahead? Is it illusion? Is it an oncoming train about to crush me further into the ground. Hating myself doesn't help. I feel so useless... Why, after all this time, does it still feel the same. Will I ever get used to it? Nothing. It has changed - it used to hurt now it is just a numbness. Silently screaming. Anti noise headphones work - cut out most of the train noise. I keep breaking all the promises that I keep making to myself... I love this CD - not sure why, I haven't experienced what he's singing about - perhaps because it shows that life can be this bad in a relationship - not just before. Inside my shell I wait & bleed. Black sleeves hide the scars. Fade to Black. Now I will just say goodbye. Shallow empty shell. As good as dead - on the inside I'm dead already. With life is hope - why do I still believe things can be better? What proof have I seen. I won't become the thing I hate. never quit - keep going until it kills me. I fear things getting better - what of the inevitable fall back down - will I be higher or lower than now? Higher according to the bard. I still don't understand why I hope... Stubborn to the point of stupidity. Better the devil you know. I should record the good things here so that I remember them - but I don't notice them. Are they really not there or am I just too tied up in my own self-pity? Pretty woman in a summer dress - hurts just to look at her, but I keep looking back. What if I am alone forever? Is that my destiny? To die alone in a dingy flat with nothing but a one bar fire an a bottle of whiskey for company? Why do I get so depressed on the train? What's worse - to be alone on your own or alone in a crowd? Lots of votes in my last poll... The only person I scare is me. Sometimes I terrify myself. Many times I have curled myself into a ball and wished I was someone else - but I am me & have to live with it - someone has to, after all. Motionless in a human tide, just the scritch-scratch of the stylus for company. I wish I could smalltalk and read between the lines but I function on logic - just the facts ma'am, just the facts. Irrelevant conversation annoys me while sober, and drunk my input is worthless. Time for a music break... Hmmm,irrelevant dialogue annoys me - but I can spend hours on irrelevant monologue. I sometimes wonder if this is just some bad dream and I will wake up content - but no-one could have a sick enough psyche to put themselves through this could they? Almost to work - time to lose myself in bigger concerns for a few hours. Maybe drink enough tonight for sweet oblivion to carry me away on her black wings...

Other polls can be found here

What type of loneliness is worst?

Alone by yourself
Alone in a crowd

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