Sunday 8 August 1999


Some things that I'll never say or hear
I love you too
I miss you when we're apart
You make me feel whole

Rain coming down hard outside. If I thought there was any chance of a girl coming back to my room it would be very different. A ring of jungle animals dancing around the outside - left from the previous occupant - I have no motivation to remove it. The death of supergirl poster - a touching shot of superman crying for his departed cousin - my own addition. There is almost zero floorspace - electronics next to stacks of books - a double bed, which it far too big for the room (but is sooo comfortable) - the heavens have opened up - I love this sound - my Darth Vader mug (black, not one of the dodgy metallic ones to commemorate the anniversary) watches from atop one of the four sets of bookshelves. It contains condoms bought in a moment of wishful thinking about 5 years ago. Waste of money - they will need to be thrown out soon. A random selection of items on the chest of drawers - in front of my CDs. Matches, vitamin pills, shower gel, a pipe, lemon juice, lighter fluid, a Stanley knife, a pile of bank statements and my new headphones. On the floor are strewn the last few months worth of Kerrang! and yesterdays clothes waiting to be put in the washing basket. Why am I writing this? Am I really this bored? I hate being alone. Will I ever have anything more? If anyone does want me then they would have to have a lot of patience to put up with me - it would take me a long to open up, I have an almost infinite capacity to not take hints - I have to be told directly or will never realise, I suspect that after if I do get into a relationship where I am comfortable I would be very clingy - but to get this far would mean getting past my paranoia and my belief that nothing good can ever last. What are my chances of finding someone who not only likes me, but could put up with all that?


Sometimes I just want to forget everything for a while. I'm scared to drink at home in case it becomes a habit. I wish there was a button I could push to just turn my mind off for a few hours.

The disk filled up on the server earlier, so there will be a hole in the logs. This is like double voyeurism - people watch my innermost thoughts unfold - and I watch them watch. Bizarre.

I think I'll dig my tarot cards out and do a couple of readings just to pass the time.