Tuesday 10 August 1999

Black Goddess

Coffee, my dark goddess. Pleasure & pain in one hot bitter package. Caffeine rush. Lovely. A light drizzle falls - blanketing the earth with a cool, comforting moistness. I have always liked water - the beach, a river/stream/canal, swimming pool, puddle, falling from the sky or just the trickle of a forgotten tap. I would love to go on a canal boat holiday like the one's we had while in the ATC - a superb lads holiday - take it in turn to steer the boat and operate the locks during the day - moor next to a pub and get absolutely legless every night. I was only 14/15 last time - under adult supervision - the supervisor's homebrew was what got me drunk most nights :) The nostalgia attached to those holidays is probably due to the fact that they both had a moment when I actually thought that someone fancied me. Wrong on both counts - the first time I was a little tipsy after a lager top (hey, I was only 14 - cut me a little slack) One of the girls asked me to walk her back to the girl's boat - I walked her back - had no idea what to say so I said nothing - we got back to the boat - said goodnight and then I went back to my boat - and spent several hours brooding over what I could have said. I knew her for another two years and she never again showed any interest in me, so I think she just didn't want to make the dark walk back to the boat on her own. The second boat trip we met a friend at a train station in the arse end of nowhere. There was a group of local girls our age hanging around the station. Everyone except me managed to pull. Later, when I was sitting on the front of the boat brooding to depressing 80s music (much like how I spend a lot of my time these days) my friends decided to tell me that a girl that I thought absolutely hated me actually fancied me. To this day I don't know if they were telling the truth or just trying to cheer me up. I can't believe I still think about that - it's nearly ten years ago! Let go you depressing git!

Luggage rack reflected in the screen. No luggage on it. There never is. Lots of internal turmoil at the moment - how much do I read into the comment "I am so glad I met you" I have always known that I cannot take a hint - it sounds like a perfectly innocent statement - and yet I am considering taking a holiday because of it. Am I clutching at straws because I am so lonely, or is she really interested? This is the first time I have found it hard to write as I'm thinking - I want to write, but I physically cannot continue, it's too personal and I know people are reading this. I'm going to stop now. Sorry.