Monday 9 August 1999


Another day older - have I learned anything? Installing the FP server extensions is just as much of a bitch under Solaris as it is in Linux. Updated my profile with an entry from this journal and a link to my web site. Hopefully people I scare will not email me before they get a chance to find out about me - two of the people I have responded too have never replied, and one wrote back to say I scared her. Not a good track record...

Bumps on the pavement
A warning to the blind
They are in front of the yellow line
The sighted get more warning

I wish the trains were more frequent through Greenwich - standing here waiting for the train in shoes that were comfortable a year ago but need replacing now - another sign of my apathy - I go out of my way to get a new Discman, but cannot be bothered to get an item as essential as new shoes.

The pyramid flashes
A repetitive warning

A motionless train stands in the DLR. station, I wonder when they will wind it up and set it in motion.


Blue graffiti on the train seats has been painted over with pink paint. The graffiti beneath is still visible - why do they bother. Saw the pictures of last Friday today - I look almost happy in some of them. Some crazy lighting effects on many of them. I went to Centrepoint the next day and the setting of one of the photos had disappeared. Spooky. Either a phantom doorway or I was looking in the wrong place. Considering the state I was in I know which one I am more likely to believe. Another 10 minutes standing on weary legs - why do they insist on not having enough seats - there are long unoccupied stretches of wall - one of which I am currently leaning against - how difficult would it be to put a couple of dozen seats here? It would not be enough for rush hour, but most other times of day there would be plenty of seats - it would certainly be useful for delays of an unspecified length - such as the one that has just been announced.

Not from my shoes.

Mind a blank canvas
All thought out

five minutes to my train - only seven minutes late. Hardly enough to notice. I'm surprised they even mentioned it - they wouldn't have usually. Two minutes later and it's still due in five minutes - when will I learn not to believe the signs - I guess I'm just naturally trusting. Believing. Gullible. Train's here. Time for a music change - something inspirational to get me off of the subject of trains before I bore everyone to tears. Some classic Electro pop - Violator by Depeche Mode. Reminds me of the school trip to Paris - the ferry from Dover - I stood on the deck in a light drizzle, content in my own melancholic manner. I was awake for the whole trip - I remember listening to this album and Suicidal Tendencies' Controlled by Hatred/Feel like Shit, Deja vu. The heavy emotions mix of How will I Laugh Tomorrow When I can't even smile today. I was in the middle of a huge crush on Sim Fletcher - I remember looking over her shoulder in the coach and reading her middle name (Louise) from her passport - harmless information, but I felt that I had discovered some big secret - this was before I sent her the Valentines card, the one with the poem, the one that had half of the school year in tears of laughter - that I had the audacity to declare my love for someone as beautiful as Simone - me, the fat brainy kid. It still hurts now. She was OK about it, but her friends were total bitches. I was shown nothing but scorn while at school, but felt satisfied that I was getting higher marks than most of them. Am I any better off now? I probably earn more money than they do, but am I happier, am I more content in my life? I doubt it. My sister always has money troubles, but she has a partner and a beautiful son, with another child on the way. Money isn't the route to happiness - it just gives you more options to forget how bad things are. I really wish I'd had a drink tonight - it doesn't take the emptiness away, but it makes it more bearable. St Albans coming up. Enjoy the Silence.