Sunday 8 August 1999


Boredom has caught up again. I close my eyes and see couples entangled in a passionate embrace. Why does my mind have to torture me? Do I hate myself that much at a subconscious level? Lying on my bed hugging my pillows. I might turn my lava lamps on to watch - they take about an hour to warm up though. An old bloodstain on my pillowcase - everywhere there are reminders of the past - nowhere is there hope for the future. I am hungry, the music has stopped - I can't be bothered to get up and remedy either of these things. What is the point? What will change? I wish I could pull myself out of my self absorbtion for a while - I thought I had managed for a while on Friday, but I had just transferred it elsewhere. Instead of thinking about how lonely I was all night I distracted myself by writing everything down - I still wasn't paying any attention to the world around me - I was tied up in the world inside. I wasn't bored like I am now though. Or Hungry. Time for a little action, food - then back upstairs for some music.

Hum of the microwave. I never cook any proper food anymore. Apathy is taking over my life. I'm going to cook one of my stews for later - just shove whatever I can find in a casserole dish and cook for a few hours on a low gas. Oven is warming while I eat my soup. I will end up making enough to feed a small country - I'll have to eat it on my own though. I'll probably put too many spices in anyway, so no-one else would eat it even if they were here. A little TV - I know there will be nothing on before I look. Benny Hill was enough to keep me going while eating. I don't really need to see this much leg & cleavage in the mood I'm in at the moment though, so I won't watch any more...

Cooking time: meat first - mince, chicken thighs and a few rashers of bacon. Seasoning next - Cajun hot pepper sauce, Worcester sauce, a couple of cloves of garlic, a stock cube,coarse ground black pepper and a pinch of mixed herbs. Tomato puree and a tin of plumb tomatoes, a handful of rice. A handful of peas and top off with some milk & water. Done. Now to put it in the oven for a few hours - checking every now and then to make sure it doesn't dry out (or to put something to thicken it if it doesn't dry out enough).

Lava lamps are nearly warmed up - I think I'll lose myself in a few Marx brothers films - Animal Crackers, Monkey Business and A Night at the Opera sounds like a good combo. I wish you could get Duck Soup on video on this side of the Atlantic. I may have to order an NTSC copy - my video does NTSC playback on PAL.